Put out to pasture

Somedays I feel like I've been put out to pasture,
My place in the glue factory is ready.
These are days that I get overwhelmed by sadness,
But somehow I make it through the day,
I just hope that tomorrow is not like today.

Limbo

I find myself in a state of limbo.
I am at home but it does not feel like home.
It's not heaven nor is it hell.
Nothing of real consequence comes to pass.
I know I should make use of my time.
The days pass while I try to figure it out.
Floating in uncertainity.
Staring at the numbers of those I could call on my telephone.
Wondering how am I going to find my way when I don't know which way I'm going.

shooting from the hip without a flash

london

Is it better to watch a movie on DVD or in a cinema?

A new DVD costs anything from £5.99 to £19.99

A movie tickect costs £7.50 to £10.00


It costs £8.90 to get to London or thereabouts to go to an arthouse cinema to see a a smaller film such as 'Me, You and Everyone we know'

The cost of such an evening out would be: £8.90 (train ticket) + £8.50 (cinema ticket) = £17.40 and I haven't eaten or drank anything!

Do I feel like sitting lonely on a train and in a darkened movie theatre, I need to decide or else I'll miss the performances.

Peace of Mind

I am not at peace with myself or the world. I cannot find a satisfactory way to express myself. Had I not been born into a middle class home, would there be more hunger to make my own life? I feel I have not achieved anything of myself. I have no idea where my life is going except that I am not happy and now conveniently my health has decided that I can have another 6 months of contemplating my place in the world without participating in it. If this post sounds selfish its because it is MY blog and it can be all about ME.

I guess I'm looking for answers and that's why I read books, blogs, magazine articles, DVDs, listen to CDs hoping to find some of clue or answer or monemtary recognition of where I am.

What is muddled my headspace? my own personal compass?

I want some happiness in my life.

I'll play too

[ ] I am bisexual or homosexual.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I listen to political music.
[X] I collect comic books.
[X] I shut others out when I'm sad.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world.(various, not just one)
[ ] I watch the news.
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own an I-Pod.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I love Disney movies.
[ ] I am a sucker for hair/eyes.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[X] I curse regularly.
[ ] I paid for that cell phone ringtone.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.
[ ] I love Spam.
[ ] I bake well.
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[X] I own something from Abercrombie
[ ] I have a job.
[ ] I love Martha Stewart.
[ ] I am in love with someone.
[X] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.(and writing like this too)
[X] I am self conscious.
[X] I like to laugh.
[ ] I smoke a pack a day.
[ ] I loved Go Ask Alice.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I have many scars.
[X] I've been out of this country.
[ ] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room
[ ] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I see/have seen a therapist.
[ ] I love chocolate.
[ ] I bite my nails.
[X] I am comfortable with being me.(most of the time)
[X] I play computer games/video games when i'm bored.
[X] I have gotten lost in my city.
[ ] I have seen a shooting star.
[X] I have gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.
[ ] I have hugged a stranger.
[X] I have been in a fight with the same sex.
[ ] Been arrested.
[ ] Laughed and had milk/soda come out of my nose.
[X] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] Made out in an elevator.
[X] Sworn at my parents.
[X] Kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] Been skydiving.
[ ] Been bungee jumping.
[X] Broken a bone.
[ ] Played spin the bottle.
[X] Gotten stitches.
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[X] Bitten someone.
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.
[X] Gotten the chicken pox.
[ ] Crashed into a friend's car.
[X] Been to Japan.
[X] Ridden in a taxi.
[X] Shoplifted.(hey, just a chocolate)
[ ] Been fired.
[X] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[X] Stole something from my job.
[ ] Gone on a blind date.
[X] Lied to a friend.
[ ] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.
[ ] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[X] Been to Europe.
[ ] Slept with a co-worker.
[ ] Been married.
[ ] Gotten divorced.
[ ] Saw someone dying.
[X] Driven over 400 miles in one day. (I didn’t drive but was in the car)
[X] Been to Canada.
[X] Been on a plane.
[X] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] Thrown up in a bar.
[X] Eaten Sushi.
[ ] Been snowboarding.
[ ] Been skiing. (water)
[ ] Been ice skating.
[ ] Met someone in person from the internet.
[ ] Been to a motorcross show.
[X] Gone/Going to college.
[ ] Done hard drugs
[X] Taken painkillers.
[ ] Cheated on someone else
[X] Was so bored I took this survey.
[ ] Have a tattoo

Dating

Dating. I have to admit is something that I haven't really pursued with much gusto recently.

I am on a few dating sites and I enjoy seeing what they have as my matches. Some of them I even find attractive but I've never tried to meet any of these women. I don't make contact with them and they don't make contact with me.

I guess a big part of the trepidation (I like that word) is due to ones own confidence and I am aware that confidence is something that I am short of at the moment.

There is also my nagging self belief wrongly or rightly that I do not have anything to offer. While others might point out contrary to that until I start to believe
in myself again I will continue not to even attempt to date.

This inability to date and total lack of confidence is due to what exactly? Too much time and morbid self absorbtion is probably a big part of it. There is time for self examination but it shouldn't be all that there is.

I need to get some fun back into my life. I need to laugh...

Time for a change?

I think it might be time to change the name of my Blog...

What do my visitors think?

'This years love'

Ok so I nicked the title from a song for the header today.

This year has been very strange I haven't worked for a whole year now in my chosen field and now that there is the job that I wanted it seems that I have either been frozen out, ignored or put out to pasture. Alright maybe I'm over-reacting but with so much on my time, I think the worst and contemplate what-ifs and maybes that are well beyond my control.

I still can't decide each day what it is I want to do. Somedays I am sure I could go back to work and other days I think I know deep down that something ain't quite right and I should just 'take it easy'. It's hard being sedentary.

I think on some level we all need somebody other than immediate family to tell us 'everything's going to be alright.' Hence the popularity of Blogs for they give us all a chance to get reassurances and for us to be told that 'everything's going to be alright'.

I don't know if I have found 'This years love' but what I do know is that my world is richer for attending to my Blog and for it letting me into other people's worlds and you know what...'everything's gonna be alright'

I hate being ill

It really bugs me that I cannot work.

On Thursday I heard a former colleague who does the same job as me wil be starting on a new job a week on Tuesday. Would I have been starting too if it wasn't for the fact that I am waiting for surgery?

I feel hurt not to have at least been asked or would I not have been asked if I was fit anyway.

A strange day

I went to sleep at 5 a.m and woke at Noon.

I walked down the hill from Hampstead to The Royal Free Hospital and visited my grandmother.

Went to The Good Earth with my grandfather, mother and brother.

Entered this into my Blog.

I am currently reading:

'Non Fiction' by Chuck Palahniuk

He's better known for writing 'Fight Club', the book is a collection of short pieces and essays.

If anybody out there reads this, I recommend reading his introduction, it was enough to make me buy the book as it addresses the notion of writing and what it means to him. After all writing obviously is what made you the reader become your own author by starting your own blog.

Been there!

Homer embraces Marge.

Well, if there's one consolation, it's that you will feel no pain at all
until some time tomorrow evening, when your heart suddenly explodes.
-- Dr. Hibbert explains the consequences of eating tainted fugu,
``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''

Dr. H: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through
five stages. The first is denial.
Homer: No way! Because I'm not dying! [hugs Marge]
Dr. H: The second is anger.
Homer: Why you little! [steps towards Dr. H]
Dr. H: After that comes fear.
Homer: What's after fear? What's after fear? [cringes]
Dr. H: Bargaining.
Homer: Doc, you gotta get me out of this! I'll make it worth your while!
Dr. H: Finally, acceptance.
Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. H: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.
-- Homer learns he's going to die, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''


Haven't tried fugu yet but have been through the five stages above!

Different? Moi?

Need a seat?

All By Myself

I can't figure it out, there are times when all I want is to be all myself.

Then other times I want to be around people, I need to be around other people, just to see them walking and going about their business in their own private worlds but even that has to be in moderation. If a crowd is too big and I can't step away from it I feel uncomfortable.

Then there is the specatcle of a football match in a stadium which is an amazing experience, you have your seat and your attention is directed towards the pitch. It is afterwards as the crowds pour out from multiple entrances which have become exits that you are fully aware of how many people were there.

I miss the camaraderie of work, the banter, the jokes, the shared lunches, the collective teamwork of going after the same goal.

I like the idea of dating but don't go on them whatsover.

Days of isolation serve to calm me as well to drive me insane with longing for more.

I am or have become a man of little action whose mind is his own prison.

I am trapped in my own delusional pretentiousness.

Now I'm just trying to be clever...

Beautiful Days...

Beautiful days...the sun is out, peole wear shorts and sleeveless shirts...

Despite all this I find it hard to want to do things, its hard when it seems like there is no reason to get up. It would be so much easier to lie in bed all day but then I would turn into Jabba the Hutt.

My frustration is two fold in that my chosen occupation is freelance and in an industry that has suffered from a lack of production leaving many to wonder what else they could do. The second reason is due to my health which prevents me going full pelt at life.

I have notions and ideas of things that I would like to do but they have become notions and not acts. I have stopped being a do-er and think too much. I imagine doing things but don't do them.

I know what I should do or what I should I try to do but find myself staring into space.

These expressions of my state find themselves on here or on paper in a notebook.

What state am I in? Boredom? Depression? Limbo? Frustration? Procrastination? Uncertainty?

Stop thinking!

I think that I think too much.

I need to get out of the moment.

I need to go that place that sportsmen refer to as the 'zone'.

We've all been there at some point in our lives where our concentration is so intense as if its all there is.

To get out of our heads and to a higher place, to transcend everyday existence?

Is that why people resort to drugs? alcohol? gym sessions?

What am I trying to say?!

Why can't I be free?

If I think back to those days in hospital, the only person that I wished would visit me was HER.

And she knew where I was and she even works on the same street, the only excuse and it is not an excuse is that she was too busy. But that is B.S. I have never told how that I lay there everydauy hoping she would appear to brighten those days. Others visited and I appreciated those visits but still wished SHE had come.

The truth is SHE couldn't care less.

Why is SHE the first person I want to share any good news in my life with?

Why when I see things in stores why do I think SHE would like that?

I am a cliche, is it the destiny of the few to become the same as those that they read about.

The lovelorn will always walk this earth in some shape or form.

Talking myself out of doing anything

Saturday again.

I look at all the numbers and names in my telephone and I think about what I'd like to do with these people, but then I always worry about how I can spend time so that it is a good time.

I should just call them and see who is free and then take it from there,

I don't know who I want to spend time with and then the day ends and another week passes.

I know for the longest time that I know who I wanted to be a part of my life but I don't even call for a chat because it is an exercise in futility calling HER, her world is not for me. There must be a way to exorcise her, yes she is a demon, she is the fatal flaw in my being.

There are so many beautiful girls in the world but I do not know how to win them over.

My muscles are not big enough, I do not have my own castle (metaphorically or literally), what can I offer the modern girl!?

Babies...

I met my friends baby on Thursday...I'm not sure who was more freaked out the baby or me.

The relentless stare that baby's give you...

And when it came to holding the baby I was of the one hand under each armpit at arms length!

Weird but in a good way.

Guess I was more amazed than anything...

Not too much to say about yesterday...I wasn't feeling low nor particulary high, I was just being.

Tuesday I went to London and even though I wander the sane streets, the buildings do not change I enjoyed peole watching...

Sums it up really

Artist: The Foundations LyricsSong: Build Me Up Buttercup Lyrics

Why do you build me up (Build me up)
Buttercup baby just to let me down (Let me down)
And mess me around And then worst of all (Worst of all)
You never call baby When you say you will (Say you will)
But I love you still I need you (I need you)
More than anyone darlin'
You know that I have from the start So build me up (Build me up) Buttercup
Don't break my heart I'll be over at ten You tell me time and again
But you're late I wait around and then I went to the door I can't take any more
It's not you You let me down again Baby Baby
Try to find a little time And I'll make you happy I'll be home I'll be waiting beside the phone Waiting for you.
Why do you build me up.... To you I'm a toy But I could be the boy You adore If you'd just let me know
Although you're untrue I'm attracted to you All the more
Why do I need you so Baby Baby.....ooh ooh ooh Why do build me up .....

A great big ball of frustration

I wish I could put the energy I put into typing these words into a more creative endeavour.

People tell me to write or to draw or to paint but it's not that easy.

I don't know what to write about or what to draw or what to paint.

I need a muse...or divine inspiration...

There's the rub, the picture that is in my head never appears on the paper and that becomes frustrating.

I am a great big ball of frustration...I wonder what an artist impression of that would be!?

Lost my confidence

I think it went missing at the beginning of 2004 or it was stolen.

I've lost my mojo to quote Austin Powers.

Somebody hit me with kryptonite and I lost my powers.

Its funny I used to be so confident about work and about talking to people...and now I seem to be less sure of myself in all aspects and I can't pinpoint why that should be.

I see beautiful, pretty girls and instead of wondering what it would be like to spend some time with them I immediately conclude that I will never be with them in my lifetime.

Its a terrible attitude to have but its honest or is it defeatist?

I know one should not devote his time to morbid self attention but it seems to be all that I have at the moment or is it this continual self examination that is holding me back?

I need to identify and set myself certain goals.

The obvious answer is that I am overanalysing everything and that I should just adopt the Nike slogan and 'just do it'.

I am the cowardly lion...so self concious of being laughed at or feeling inadequate I do not even try, its sad but true.

I must regain my confidence.

Sunday

The sun is out and all should be good but I face another day in my own company.

Most people are coupled up.

An aversion to crowded places at night?

I wonder if I have developed an aversion to crowded places at night and that is why I hardly go out anymore.

Or is it because I don't want to go to bars by myself?

Reasons I don't go to bars:

1) Don't drink
2) Don't smoke
3) They're very very noisy
4) They're full of people and unless you can sit not much fun
5) Its a long way to go


Reasons I should go:

1) Its better than being at home by myself?
2) How am I going to meet the love of my life (arguable that she would be in a bar)
3) Might forget about myself for a while and get out of my own head

I think too much...by the way my plans for this evening...you're looking at them, I'm not going anywhere...

Who has my invitation?

Who has my invitation to life?

I see it happening around me but I don't feel as if I'm part of it.

I think my invitation or instruction manual got lost in the post somewhere.

I'd like to participate but it just seems like a dream...

I really do have a broken heart...

I really do have a broken heart.

Its still weird to know that I have to have heart surgery in the near future.

Everything is up in the air until I know when they will operate.

I cannot plan anything, I can commit to anything because I do not know when it will happen.

Why is she so not interested in me?!

The creative impulse

I want to paint and draw but all I can think is I'd like to paint her portrait.

It's pathetic that she creeps into my thoughts and stops me from doing anything else.

What is going on?

Why do I feel for somebody who does care about me?

Those rare occassions that I do see her it feels like we've never been apart yet she maintains this distance from me.

I wish I could play a bigger part in her life but I do not have the financial means to keep her entertained.

This was supposed to be the year that I move on...

Unrequited love calendar 2005:

March 17th - We see each other briefly.

Numerous telephone messages left and brief conversations about 'work'

June 1st - I find a telephone message from her about possible work but am in hospital, she says
she'll try to visit (she never did)

July 6th - We speak briefly on the telephone about 'work', I turn it down and don't go into
London on July 7th. Realise that she is only concerned with 'work' and get the sense
that as I am trying to explain my reason for hospital stay, she is rolling her eyes and
not listening.

Decide to send an e-mail explaining my health problem, no reply to the e-mail or show
of concern over my health. What a bitch.

July 26th - I leave a message against my better judgement suggesting lunch that day, no reply
and no response.

August 5th - I know its time to face the truth that she will never be with me but she still invades
my thoughts hence this blog.

It is probably because she pays me no attention that I obsess over here, she has
little fat ankles and is pretty short...why do I love her so when she ignores me?!

How to search other blogs?

How do I search other blogs?

How can I get other people to respond to my blog?

Is anybody out there?

What do you do?

What do you do? It has now been 3 years since I met her...

3 years and not a day goes by that she pops into my thoughts, from the moment that I rise to the moment that I sleep. I think about her, what is she doing? where is she?

I create fantasises of places we could go together, things we would laugh at together, things we could do...

But she never calls, she rarely returns my calls...

She let me into her life and when and if I do see her my heart breaks everytime I leave knowing that she will in the arms of another.

I do not even try to call her anymore but still have thoughts of the one that I will never be with.

I walk down a street and hope that she will appear around the corner, everytime the phone rings I hope it is her, I see her name in street signs and shop signs...

I wish i could be free of her...