As seen on Sophie's Blog

Pick the book nearest to you - go to page 123 - scroll down five lines and post the next three lines.

"...muscles were only going through the motions. I was a puppet, to be used in some sacrifice.
So where was the real me? I wondered."

From "Man-Eating Cats" a short story by Haruki Murakami in "Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman'

Kind of fitting really given all the posts below.

Yet still productive

Despite it all I have been productive in my own time producing artwork of varying quality and getting frustrated by my technical inadequacy and ineptitude but still creating.

I complain about doing things on my own and going places on my own but my timetable is not in synch with other peoples at the moment at all which probably leads in part to my feelings of fracture and dislocation with the world around me.

It is strange that someone who wishes to spend time with people does his utmost to avoid places with people.

What do I really want?

What do I really want?

A more stable career plan?

A sense of belonging to something larger than myself?

To actually not have to worry about any of the above every single day.

Where have they all gone to?

Do you keep work place friends seperate from normal life friends seperate? The reason I say this is because I hardly see the people with whom I've worked with in the past. The only time I see them is either at work or at the occassional group get together. There are some I'd like to see and speak to but they remain elusive.

The demons have been surfacing again keeping me up late at night and torturing me with what ifs, regrets and why nots.

I'm not sure where this going so I'll end it here for now. (as it turns out the post goes on!)

I just wish I still didn't have these crises of confidence and self doubt and feelings of inadequacy about my place in the world.

What will place me at ease? What will make me feel like a part of this world and attached to it? I feel like I do not belong and that I am merely observing and waiting it out.

But what I am waiting out, what is it that I am waiting for? What am I waiting for to arrive?

Perhaps that is the problem I am waiting for a sign or an answer without acrtively pursuing whatever it is for fear of failure, rejection or disappointment.

It is not with optimism nor excitement that I face the future but more a resigned outlook that each day is not that different from the next.

There are momentary minutes and seconds o amusement or pleasure on the way to what? What is it that each day is taking me to? Why have I become trapped in my own mind and isolated from the world and those that I hold dear. Why do they avoid me so?

Am I looking for acceptance and approval and where and when will that come by me or has the ship already sailed and I was not to be a passenger and will have to seek transit via different means?

It troubles me that these thoughts still surface and that I am still ill at ease with myself and my place or lack thereof in the scheme of things.

I am rootless and perhaps looking for stability but have no idea where to go or what to do as I try to identify what I want or need.

Tight!

I have become fat! I lost so much weight last year falling ill then maintained a good steady weight but kind of stopped doing exercise other than a brisk walk which they say is enough at least three times a week. Well they lied because I'm finding it hard to feel comfortable in 'proper trousers' e.g trousers other than combats, jeans(which slide down) or shorts.

It amazes me that the number on the waistband is the same as on my comfortable jeans but the comfort level is not. Is this why so many people in suits are uptight because they can't breathe properly trussed up in shirts and ties and trousers?!

Do I have to go a diet? Thankfully I don't have to wear a suit everyday! That said the formal wear in my wardrobe is kind of dated since I never wear them except for birthday dinners for relatives and the like. Maybe a new suit and shirts are in order but then how often would I really need them. Unless I go for a radical job change I don't even need a suit for a job interview at present.

I need to lose a few kilos or that said reshape myself somewhat but I am becoming a little bit like a human Sharpei with loose skin collecting around my middle.

Now before some of you have visions of me looking like Jabba the Hutt I reckon I'm not actually that size and you can check with some of the Bloggers that visit here or hopefully they'll attest to this fact! It's just tight trousers make you feel cack!

Right off to proper sit down Birthday dinner in a suit while holding my breath!

Juice

At short notice this week and quite by chance I got given a telephone number of a guy who needed somebody with some pencil skills at short notice and a cash incentive.

I didn't ring straight away the bravado about wanting to work and the anxiety of whether I could still deliver were at odds within myself. I called and got voicemail and left a message explaining how I got the number.

I got the callback and accepted the job and got my kit ready for the following day, drop of a hat and i'm off to work. What was meant to be one day turned into three and possibly more.

After initial trepidation I soon got back into it and realised that the juice in my life is to come from work. I wish it wasn't 'work' that gives me a shot in the arm but at the moment nothing else compares.

It gives me a chance to be around other people and to lose myself in the moment of working to get the end product done in time. For me work is the best thing in my life and without it I tend to get stuck in morbid self-examination.

I'm quite glad that it was only three days for the moment but am pleased to have come out of it realising that my skills are intact and that I AM ready to look for and be available for work again.

So there might be some bits and pieces over the next week or two or back to sulking but the main thing is, I'm back.

What is the 'juice' in your life?

Practice

This little fellow is too close to the photo reference to be an original work so I'll say it's practising technique using ink wash.

Sushi & A Movie

Recently, I've had an urge to eat sushi but not the ready made prepackaged refrigerated kind that most people consider to be sushi in London nor the type that a chain serves on a conveyer belt.

No, no I wanted the real deal actually made by a Japanese chef in a sit down restaurant.

And so it was that I came to choose a restaurant after doing my reads of online reviews in Willesden of all places. This part of North West London is not one that is particulary trendy nor highly sought after in the scheme of things for the London postcode nazis.

It seemed like a strange place for a sushi restaurant especially on a street of kebab and fish and chips restaurant. In fact after a glance at the menu and its prices I would say its probably the most expensive restaurant there.

I justified my prospective expenditure by the fact that I don't drink, the price of my sushi is probably what most people spend on a night boozing.

On entering much to my surprise nearly all the tables had 'reserved' signs on them but we were allowed to sit as long we didn't stay for more than an hour and a half.

All my doubts and my fretting over prices were eliminated in one fell swoop when my Nigiri set came out and I tasted a superb pieces of Anago, Scallop, Bream and Tuna. There was a piece of salmon too which was good but I've never really considered salmon to be proper sushi, you'd actually have trouble finding it in Japan as sushi. I also tried Razor Clam for the first time and was pleasantly surprised.

So yes I would recommend 'Sushi Say' in Willesden Green and the chef was Japanese.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Then it was a short rail hop to the cinema to check out 'Little Miss Sunshine' which had great characters, great acting and a fantastic dance sequence the likes of which hasn't been seen since 'Napoleon Dynamite'. Although the dance sequence here was so funny that I had tears of laughter at the time.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I did manage to speak to four people about prospective work and sent 2 CV's but don't see any jobs with any of them in the very near future but hey at least they know I'm available.

I wish I didn't wrestle everyday with the notion that I should retrain and find a more stable vocation.

I'd much rather take a vacation if only I could print money.

Shuffle Songs!

1. God Put A Smile Upon Your Face - Coldplay
2. Girl Afraid - The Smiths
3. Amy - Ryan Adams
4. Music For A Found Harmonium - Penguin Cafe Orchestra
5. Don't Flater - Mint Royale
6. Concierto De Aranjuez (Part 2 Ending) - Miles Davis
7. Sanctuary - MIles Davis
8. The Last Trumpet - Lyrics Born
9. The Bay - Lyrics Born
10. Point Blank - Oldboy OST/Yeong-wook Jo

Bonus Track: Lyman Zerga - Ocean's 11 OST/David Holmes

Saved by Stephanie

As my previous post 'Spiral' attests I was in danger of slipping into the mire of self pity but instead took myself off to London and if not for the dying of my camera battery would not have used my graphite sticks to sketch with.

Then an SOS was sent by SMS and my mood alleviated by Stephanie coming to my aid to join me for noodles at Viet and some bookstore browsing on Charing Cross Road.

I learnt that Canada is not a suburb of New Jersey and Stephanie learnt that I can be very very puerile naturally in an endearing way ;)

Sketches on a Friday

Inside and outside the British Museum.

Spiral

I can sense when I'm on a downward spiral and I hate myself for being on it. There must be some mechanisms to stop this from happening. I suppose that in itself becomes part of the spiral, the trick is to make the ride slow down.

Another thought while I had two great years followed by two bad years is that perhaps this is karma. Alot of good things have happenned to people that I know in my two bad years. I am not saying those peole will have bad years but when it comes back round to me perhaps they're lives will level off again.

Brazil

Apparently Brazil's No. 10 is meant to be a bit special...




I wonder who he supports?




Station entrance!





Starting Line Up

Great post

I'm great, you're great, we're all great.

Funny person

I'm a strange one quite often I moan about not meeting new peoople or not going out.

Tonight the crowds have come to me or rather for my brother and his fiancee they are having a birthday/engagement extravaganza party thing and where am I?

Hiding upstairs listening to their chatter and laughter as they celebrate and typing on my backlit keyboard in the dark. I don't feel particulary happy nor unhappy.

Does this make me extraordinarily shy or cowardly? Or just funny but funny how?

They are all so happy and confident in their lives with their career paths or their partners.

I wish I could just stop freaking out over my life status every day.

Perhaps I am just incredibly selfish and hence this hiding myself away.


Update 11pm: Attempted mingling on the periphery of things and realised I am a completely different person from the past when I was having my incredible run of work. I wouldn't call it bragging but it did give me something to talk about with passion. Now I am not exactly a jibbering wreck but I find it hard to interact in social situations.

Overanalysis - very possibly.

Bowling