Where have they all gone to?

Do you keep work place friends seperate from normal life friends seperate? The reason I say this is because I hardly see the people with whom I've worked with in the past. The only time I see them is either at work or at the occassional group get together. There are some I'd like to see and speak to but they remain elusive.

The demons have been surfacing again keeping me up late at night and torturing me with what ifs, regrets and why nots.

I'm not sure where this going so I'll end it here for now. (as it turns out the post goes on!)

I just wish I still didn't have these crises of confidence and self doubt and feelings of inadequacy about my place in the world.

What will place me at ease? What will make me feel like a part of this world and attached to it? I feel like I do not belong and that I am merely observing and waiting it out.

But what I am waiting out, what is it that I am waiting for? What am I waiting for to arrive?

Perhaps that is the problem I am waiting for a sign or an answer without acrtively pursuing whatever it is for fear of failure, rejection or disappointment.

It is not with optimism nor excitement that I face the future but more a resigned outlook that each day is not that different from the next.

There are momentary minutes and seconds o amusement or pleasure on the way to what? What is it that each day is taking me to? Why have I become trapped in my own mind and isolated from the world and those that I hold dear. Why do they avoid me so?

Am I looking for acceptance and approval and where and when will that come by me or has the ship already sailed and I was not to be a passenger and will have to seek transit via different means?

It troubles me that these thoughts still surface and that I am still ill at ease with myself and my place or lack thereof in the scheme of things.

I am rootless and perhaps looking for stability but have no idea where to go or what to do as I try to identify what I want or need.