Relax?

I find it very hard to relax. It hits me more often than not because I'm not working nor do I know what my niche is in life is. The usual triggers cause this anxiety like seeing bank account details which just serve to reinforce my feelings of disappointment and inadequacy in myself.

On the face of it I have a seemingly idyllic and relaxed life. This is not necessarily out of choice but due in part to the afore mentioned apathy and laziness combination.

I do in fact have a casual job starting next month which will be of the as and when we need you variety so I'm not sure how many hours a week that will be yet. Its a tough world out there and I'm not afraid to admit I haven't really found my niche. I kind of wish I had because it would be one less thing to worry about.

I'd like to have a bit more fun in life and to enjoy it more than I do.

Any good ideas anyone aside from 'relax'?

Laziness

Laziness
La"zi*ness\, n. The state or quality of being lazy.

la⋅zy
  /ˈleɪzi/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ley-zee] Show IPA adjective, -zi⋅er, -zi⋅est, verb, -zied, -zy⋅ing.
Use laziness in a Sentence
–adjective
1. averse or disinclined to work, activity, or exertion; indolent.

I am self aware and realize that I'm being very lazy and while I know what I have to do something is stopping me.

Its one thing to be lazy but combined with apathy its a wonder that I get up in the morning.

I don't really know what's going on anymore. I get up and the day may vary only by what I eat and what programs are shown on the television. I am not doing anything to try and change my landscape. I apply for jobs but deep within I am not settled and I could change my scenery but I'll still be me and my concerns will still be with me wherever I travel.

Am I anybody's type? Or is anybody my type?

Sometimes I wonder am I actually going to be anybody's type anymore in the distant past I was the type of boy for some girls but then that has long since passed and now I don't seem to be anybody's type. Or do we end up becoming to set in our ways that we expect others to just tolerate our foibles and agree with us or does the fight and effort just decrease the longer you spend on your own watch?

The flip side of the question is also do I actually have a type? The thing that I find interesting is that often other people's girls seem that much more attractive probably because they're not plagued with the anxiety of trying to impress you or in trying to find the one for them.

Night into Day

I've just seen night turn into day. The dark is becoming light again. The dead of night is now the sound of birds. I am without sleep and have no tiredness instead I am filled with an anxiety born of frustration at not knowing quite what I am doing with my time and self anymore.

Deflated

Whilst I realize Rome wasn't built in a day and all that, its now June and yet again I am out of a job. Sometimes I envy those with a job but then some of them envy my freedom.

I still haven't found something to really capture my imagination in all aspects of my life. I get up, I find some physical ailment to give me some sort of pain which in truth seems to be the only way to confirm that I am indeed alive.

Occasionally I get a mild sense of pleasure from cycling and playing Scrabble on facebook but my art is somewhat mediocre.

There are days where I feel like I am watching from above and not necessarily a part of the world. I sometimes think I am becoming invisible especially when people bump into me as I wasn't there and say nothing.

May 2009

Yet another Bank Holiday here in England, I wonder which country has the most public holidays in the world.

Rather than looking forward to it I felt not exactly a dread but again a sense of disappointment that I really had nothing in particular to look forward to. Nobody waiting for me to come home, no kisses or barking or mewing...

Sometimes it seems like the world keeps turning and I'm just watching but taking part.

I have one print in some open exhibition locally but failed in my attempt to get into a Print only exhibition up north.

All the theorizing and trying to put into some sort of context has also in a way taken away the fun and in constantly searching for the right image...I feel the work has become a bit stilted.


Taken from http://exorcising-ghosts.co.uk/

murakami quote of the month

South of the Border, West of the Sun

“I always feel as if I’m struggling to become someone else. As if I’m trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new life, a new personality. I suppose it’s part of growing up, yet it’s also an attempt to re-invent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything. I seriously believed I could escape myself – as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What’s missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I’m still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I think that lack itself is as close as I’ll come to defining myself.”

We have all the time in the world

Or do we? Lately despite spring half heartily making a cautious appearance I've been feeling a little blue. Time keeps marching on and here I am still on my lonesome.

Most of the time I just get on with it and don't feel particularly lonely but recently I've been feeling isolated and questioning my very existence. I get up, I eat< I work but how is it changing or making my life better?

I need to believe in myself more and to do more but sometimes I wish there was somebody to 'do' with.