Another path

Well, I started my part-time job at the start of the year and actually enjoy the tasks that some might even call menial but they keep in an environment where I feel increasingly comfortable. They should just pay me in art supplies after all that's where it ends up going!

I am starting to produce a few prints that I feel are on the way to being not bad at all and starting to know my way around a couple of the processes.

I don't what it is or maybe its the fact that I'm starting to enjoy myself and my confidence is following but people are looking to me for opinions and advice. I don't know the answers but I guess its flattering to be asked how to do this or that. Sometimes I wonder if I could have been an actor, so convincing to others that I'm in control and full of knowledge when really I'm not always that sure.

Part of that is probably not trusting myself which is a lack of confidence on my part but it would have good to have been an actor...imagine if I'd become the next Doctor Who then my mother could say both her sons are doctors!

Running away from the real world has been absolutely and unequivocally the best thing for me and I've been fortunate enough to have found people and a place that encourages me to learn and to put into practice ideas.

Butterflies

Through my meandering courses through books and internet places and pages I find words and thoughts from other people that trigger my own thoughts. From an internet dating advert I read that the girl in question was looking for somebody to make her 'stomach flutter'. I don't even remember checking out the rest of her advert but it did get me thinking that nobody has made my stomach flutter or given me butterflies for a very long time and is that even possible with my black and withered heart. I don't think my heart is black and withered but perhaps the brain is more logical now or more cynical.

While reading 'Dance, Dance, Dance' by Murakami again I found one chapter to encompass the place that I felt I might just be at this moment in time and maybe that's why he's so successful around the world. It could be that any given time there will be elements in his writing that we can identify as human experiences regardless of time and place...The narrator is explaining how he likes and enjoys the company of a woman but when it all just tails off he wasn't so bothered and it all came down to that he never really needed nor wanted her.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't make more effort in trying to find somebody to be with but I've got used to spending time by myself and haven't actually felt butterflies for anybody and I have enjoyed the company of others but haven't found anybody that I really need or want.

Achiever

We're told not to compare ourselves to the lives of others but since the invention of Facebook you can investigate the lives of others by seeing the pictures that they post. There are people I went to school showing off their cars and families and I wonder why I didn't go after these things too.

What is the measure of a man? I don't actually aspire to the things that these people have achieved but why don't I want a wife, children, a home and such things?

Am I afraid? Why don't I chase these things? What is it that I want from this life?

I don't know if I've settled into a life of mediocrity or a life of cowardice or is this the life that I have chosen regardless of what I do?