The Stoic

Its becoming rarer that I actually get up at 0526 to actually write something despite strange nights with strange dreams I normally remain in my bed and try to sleep through the weird images and the nagging doubts. I am still not at peace with the nagging awareness that I could not cut it and I hate myself for letting it bother me and it was bothering me less until 2 weeks ago. There are certain things that I have discovered about people that I know and despite my saying to the contrary I cannot help but feel battered by the knowledge that they were wanted but I was not.

What troubles me is the knowledge that I don't want to be troubled but am by something that I am trying to convince myself I don't want. By losing sleep am I still really wanting to be a part of something because I can't be a part of it?

The only course is to work hard at either what I am doing now and to become a success at it and in that way I will not need the other and become the person that I want to be on my terms.

I want to be free

I am still having trouble accepting that I wasn't good enough to cut it in the industry as I hear that two past colleagues have got jobs I wonder why didn't I ever get a job offer? Was it personal? Was it simply that the person in charge never really liked me enough?

How do I free myself of this torture? So far the only answer I have is to totally shut the people from that past out of my present so I cannot be reminded.

Of past lives

I went to a birthday party last night where most of the people are working in the industry that I could not get back into and four of them on the same job. The thing I miss most about the work is the money and despite what I or others say it still kind of hurts to see these people and hear their stories of Christmas parties because it reminds me that I wasn't good enough to get a job or to extend my career.

Of course I should be thicker skinned and say good luck to them and fuck them.

Still I had a good time despite having an upset stomach today...bad pizza I think at that meal.

Onwards onto better things for me.

This is the end?

Do blogs just eventually run out of steam and fade away? I've noticed I've been writing less and less here and visiting others even less frequently.

Are blogs just right at certain moments in our lives when we find ourselves having things to say but nowhere to say them but online to reassure ourselves that there this life beyond our own thoughts and if somebody recognizes something then we somehow feel reassured of our selves?

Do I carry on or will I eventually forgot the name of my own blog and will it sit here in cyberspace drifting or do Blogger just obliterate unattended blogs after a certain amount of time?

It's been a while since i last came here...

Doubts have surfaced, anxieties have arisen and abated. Time has passed very rapidly and I try to absorb as much new stimuli as is humanly possible. I try to collect and gather new information and find new inspirations.

All of that and more have been taking over my life and I'm starting to enjoy the ride trying to read new books whenever possible and finding new artists to look at.

I've met and heard new stories from new faces and seen some old faces (7 years) and have become aware that others are fading but know well enough that such is the nature of things.

I've seen and felt my leg heal but still it hasn't fully healed and my patience grows thin but I'm not sure what else can be done there.