The Stoic

Its becoming rarer that I actually get up at 0526 to actually write something despite strange nights with strange dreams I normally remain in my bed and try to sleep through the weird images and the nagging doubts. I am still not at peace with the nagging awareness that I could not cut it and I hate myself for letting it bother me and it was bothering me less until 2 weeks ago. There are certain things that I have discovered about people that I know and despite my saying to the contrary I cannot help but feel battered by the knowledge that they were wanted but I was not.

What troubles me is the knowledge that I don't want to be troubled but am by something that I am trying to convince myself I don't want. By losing sleep am I still really wanting to be a part of something because I can't be a part of it?

The only course is to work hard at either what I am doing now and to become a success at it and in that way I will not need the other and become the person that I want to be on my terms.