Not all doom and gloom

End of the week and whilst not exactly a beacon of happiness and light I'm not as gloomy as the previous post.

I think I do far too much thinking and not enough doing of my many ideas.

Instead of thinking I need to be doing...

I went to the Affordable Art Fair on Thursday where a mind-numbing 120 galleries had stands after 2/3 of it my brain had overload. It's interesting the galleries that came from near the coasts or countrysides had work that dealt with the sea or bovine and feline subjects.

But what I was able to see in most works that were painted be they figurative or abstract were the influences of artists like Rothko, Diebenkorn, Chagall, Warhol, Lichenstein writ large upon the work...

I don't know if this ability to see the influences is a hindrance or an advantage.

I met a lovely girl called Violet working for a gallery at one stand and got chatting to her for quite a while, if I had more courage I would have tried to get a number and asked her out for a drink but she has my card now. After all why ruin the ego boost of talking to her although it is her job to talk to all potential buyers by getting shot down in a public place. Are art fairs for picking up girls? I'm sure some artists have by being there with their work.

So on show were the good, the bad and the ugly...I really need to make more art.

I still feel embarassed when people say that I am an artist. I don't tell people that I am an artist, when does one actually say that they are? Yet other people say that I am or introduce me as one. I have seen some truly awful artwork in my lifetime and those artists seem to make some money from it, is an artist measured by financial success that justifies his or her place in the world. Then again Van Gogh was a financial failure in his lifetime but his conviction in himself as an artist drove him on.

It is self-doubt that holds me back, I need to be more confident in my work.

Again too much thinking and not enough making and doing of art.

Void

It's 330 in the am and I'm awake because I feel hurt and don't really understand why and where it all went wrong. I really shouldn't be dwelling on it, its been four years since I got ill but I can't help but feel i never really got back on my feet again since.

And people tell me to move on but I can't seem to...I was doing well in the film industry but got ill and when I came back was no longer the golden boy. The best thing that could have happened to me at the time would have been a job instead of being cast aside. By being cast aside I lost confidence in myself as I watched everybody else get work.

That gaping void in my life that was a working life has yet to be filled until I find success be it financial or otherwise in another field I am going to be constantly haunted by this horrific realization that I was not good enough.

Changes

The weather has turned after a pretty non-commital version of summer where the sun never really showed itself nor the heat that is associated with summer, a noticeable chill has set in and the leaves have changed colour.

Time marches on and with it no certainties other than days are moving on and changes take place all around...