Stage 1 Complete

Last week I went to the studios and tried to draw in the class where I first learnt the skills that took me to my present freelance status. I spent 3 days in a pretty close approximation of my previous and to be continued working environment. I say close because I only went 930am till 430pm as opposed to 8am till 7pm and I wasn't being paid.

The anxiety I had from just going there to test the waters seem ridiculous now but at the time were very real to me. After all I had had no real motivation to pick up a pencil in the way that I used them at work. Sure I had sort of drawn in the past 9 months or so filling up sketchbooks with various doodles but I hadn't drawn on detail paper with a scale rule.

What if I had forgotten how to do it? What if I couldn't do it anymore? Would I fall flat on my face?

In the end it wasn't so bad, weird yes and a good testing ground but stamina wise I was very tired by 430pm...so while I remain conflicted in my mind about being ready or not to start looking for work I guess I am not ready yet.

Work? There's a funny thing part of me is very aware that I need to get back to work and there is another part which is still full of trepidation and comes up with numerous reasons not to phone about work. Some days I feel I could and should go about finding work with gusto and other days I am still concious that this freefall that I've been in is still where I need/want to be.
Its a strange thing thing becuse I have no point of reference and people say everybody is different and I'll know when I'm ready. But how? How does one know when one is ready?

I think too much.

Why do you wear that thing?

Let's make it bigger!

Shall I change my Blog name to 'Hole in the Ground'?

Nosy neighbour don't know who he is.

The Hole in the Road!

Of holes, sloping floors and late late cancellations.

Ten days ago the ground outside my parents house sank under the weight of the dustmens' lorry or rather created a dent in the tarmac. This was due to bad drainage undermining the integrity of the road surface this then resulted in a gas pipe being cracked and the evacuation of the house for a day. Gas pipe then lead to water pipe damage and the hole has been growing as they dig up more and more of the road to try and repair the pipes. It seems like there are more workmen each day jumping in the growing hole in front of the house. I have a feeling the geyser they created by accident last Friday was not meant to be seen but they got it under control. The hole is now so big that cars cannot drive past as the whole width of the road is cordoned off, I shall try and post some photos.

Today I went to visit my friend and see the new house she and her fiance have bought which potentially will be a very nice house when all the work is done. Perhaps its due to witnessing the ground falling apart outside but I wasn't that shocked on seeing their house needing so much work or I too could picture how good a space it will become. Needless to say the living room has boards torn up and the upper floors are sloping at the moment. But I do believe they'll see it through and get it levelled off and make it into a great house.

Then it was into London to meet up with another friend who cancelled 15 minutes beforehand by text message. I should be more annoyed and put out but I wasn't. I didn't get mad, didn't lose my temper just thought 'Oh well' and went off to have a Special Pho on the way home at a restaurant on Greek Street and then browsed the CDs and DVDs in HMV and Virgin, of course none of the stuff I wanted was part of either stores mega sales and I returned empty handed.

Not really sure if there's a point to this post other than to make a list of my day, I realise it doesn't offer any great insights into my personality nor viewpoints on anything in particular but it felt good so I wrote it.

Bah! Weekends

Like clockwork the weekend always signals two days of existential crisis.

How do you spend yours?

I'm still here!

Well, I finally saw a member of my surgeon's team but not the man himself. It seems I'm making a good surgical recovery and they don't need to see me for another 9 months, so I already have an appointment for 2007. (is that what they mean by planning ahead?)

However, my heartbeat is still doing something weird but that's for a different doctor in the same hospital and his team to deal with but it's not life threatening and that appointment won't be until July now.

By far the highlight of the day was having lunch on the Kings Road with Stephanie just before my appointment. We beat the lunch rush and had a leisurely lunch and chatted away...

A Written Post!

What a strange week I've had, now let's see what I can remember...Monday, I received a letter from my heart hospital informing me that they had a bed provisionally ready for me at the end of April.

'WTF!!!!!?!?' is what sprung to mind at first also it was with a doctor I had never seen on my previous visits nor heard of and the letter didn't say why either.

So I phoned up and got put on hold and transferred here and there before learning that I had been booked in for a bivalve defibrillilator/pacemaker to be fitted. The only time this had been discussed with me was as a possible precautionary measure for any future irregular heart rhythmns should I need it. Now I was under the impression that after my initial operation I was to be monitored and then it would be decided whether or not I needed one to be put in and since post surgery I was doing fine so I didn't need it. Except now four months later its been decided that I need one without any preliminary tests like a 24 hour ECG tape and not forgetting I still haven't even had my supposed 6-8 week check up with my surgeon which happenes on Wednesday after 15 weeks! Oh and the doctor to who's care I was meant to be admitted called later that day and I expressed my concerns and the suggestions for at least a 24 hour ECG tape to which he replied...'So we'll postpone until you've seen your surgeon and had a 24 hour ECG tape'

Sheesh! Who's running the show!? I'm sure there are patients who don't question their appointment letters but if I hadn't I would been an inpatient for a few days having a debfibrillator put in regardless of if I still need the thing or not (I still might do but if I don't have to that would be preferable)

I'll say it again I can't fault the care that I received while I was in the hospital but the post care has been absolutely and utterly shambolic! I shall have to do my best not to express my disappointment and irritation this Wednesday coming.

The water boiler packed up at the start of the week leaving the house with no hot water or heating for four days. A trip to my grandparents house was arranged after a couple of days! This has since been repaired and in the continuing adventures of things going wrong this week. A gas pipe has a crack in it outside the front of the house causing gas to leak which lead to the house having to be evacuated on Thursday and the gas company digging up a very big hole in the road. We can go back in the house but the hole remains outside and they will return on Monday to repair it.

Further adventures with the NHS took place on Wednesday when I attended an appointment at another hospital and turned up at the time on my appointment card which stated '1430' only to be told that the computer said '430' and 'Would I like to wait?'. So off I went to kill a couple of hours all because some putz couldn't write the correct time on an appointment card or type the right numbers into the computer. I guess it really is true that some people don't understand a 24 hour clock!

I thought I might like to get a new pair of jeans as well this week and was somewhat horrified and surprised at just how expensive jeans have become. It seems strange that an item of clothing that was originally made as work wear has become such a universal item of clothing and also so expensive. I tried numerous pairs on this week and came very close to spending a pretty large amount of money but was saved by the bell when I had a telephone call while in one of the shops. So I remain without new jeans and still in a quandry over which pair made by who should I get and how much is too much to spend on a pair of jeans...although I do practically wear jeans all the time even to work when I work. I suppose I could justify expensive jeans by calling them 'Dress/Going Out jeans'...hmm

My DVD rental company sends out DVDs at random on my list but I think whoever picks them occassionally looks at the list and sends the ones that similar one after the other. The reason I say that is because I got 'Le Cercle Rouge' directed by Jean Pierre Melville and then 'Bob Le Flambeur/Un Flic' also directed by Melville afterwards. However I think it just depends who's working that day and its more by coincedence than anything that I got films by the same director in succession. I wonder what these faceless DVD rental by post places look like, are they in a non descript warehouse or in somebody's house and how many people are opening envelopes and sealing envelopes and where do they keep all the DVDs?!

So not that much has been going in my life that's particulary interesting but I just thought I'd let you know...although I did accomplish filling out an application form for financial assistance to do a course to improve my job prospects and I got a cool book from Ladymissmarquise

I like to think I am getting closer to finally putting most of last year to bed and to getting out of the woods and crossing the 't's' and dotting the 'i's' and to restarting things with gusto...almost, not quite, nearly...?!