Here again

My life is rather strange and often I am prone to bouts of extreme self-examination that borders not on loathing but a mistrust of myself.

I think people find it hard to be around me because I sometimes need the quiet moments of reflection when I'm with them. Its not always easy just to enjoy silences together, you need the presence of another but not always to speak.

I think about people in my life and realize that there are certain individuals that give me hope and who I think about everyday at some point. I might just say their names in my mind under my breath and I smile to myself thinking about them.

I want what's best for them and I have started to recognize the ones that truly want what's best for me and that's priceless.

Am I Worthy?

I feel like life is escaping from me.

I feel as if i haven't really got a hold of it, I don't have a hold of anything concrete in this life.

Instead of looking at what I have and have achieved I keep freaking out over what I don't have.

The trouble is this vacant feeling that I have won't go away and keeps gnawing at me.

Things gleaned from articles that had resonance with me

'impotent rage'
'living in an isolated world'
'fiercely intelligent but emotionally semi-detached'

Meh

Why is it we only blog when we are unhappy?

I must admit to feeling complete and utter despair in fits and starts for the last 2 weeks. I can't pin it down exactly to what or why and that just further compounds it...

The weather has been good but despite the sun I feel the complete opposite.

A good man

I know that I try and do the right thing and am a good person as I've been told once.

I've also heard that somebody thinks highly of me.

Both those people have been women but I have never been romantically involved with either.

Is that just female code for I am boring but reliable and worth having around every now and then?

Into April

A month on from having an interesting time, I know where I want to return to.

Finally there seems to be a place where I think I might just want to spend more time.

Was I there just for the girl or was it the place as well?

The girl had a big part to do with it and while there was no physical aspect to time spent with her, I felt a sense of something I haven't felt for a while...a genuine sense of care and affection.

Boy, I miss the place and the girl.

I will return.

Lost in Translation

I have just spent close to a month in another country and now my time is almost up...

But its now also with a certain sense of emptiness that I prepare to leave.

I am reminded of a line from a film:

'Let's never come here again because it would never be as much fun.'