POST 439
I sometimes have trouble sleeping and this is one of those times. I know full well that I can't solve things at 0438 in the morning but here I am thinking about my life. It just seems to be a record that is stuck, groundhog day if you will. I am constantly wondering what happened to my life.
I am nearing the end of my thirties and feel troubled that I haven't been able to settle into anything by now. I thought I had when I got into the what I used to do but after racing off to a great start and with what potentially looked like a career path I spun off the course in a way that I never imagined. Rejoining the race was never going to be easy and keeping with the racing analogy I found myself overtaken and lapped by previous colleagues and by new competitors. I lost faith in it and maybe in my self.
I just feel like I've never really found what it is that I want nor what I want to do. When people ask me what would I like to do, I find it difficult to answer or don't believe that I can ever achieve what I answer.
I don't know if this low self esteem or pragmatism on my part. I seem to have settled for an air of supreme indifference and honestly find it hard to feel as if I am part of or truly engaged in experiencing the world.
Perhaps its tiredness or that weird sense of things that comes from being awake at 0448 but I feel like its all a dream and that I am a spectre just flitting along.
I am nearing the end of my thirties and feel troubled that I haven't been able to settle into anything by now. I thought I had when I got into the what I used to do but after racing off to a great start and with what potentially looked like a career path I spun off the course in a way that I never imagined. Rejoining the race was never going to be easy and keeping with the racing analogy I found myself overtaken and lapped by previous colleagues and by new competitors. I lost faith in it and maybe in my self.
I just feel like I've never really found what it is that I want nor what I want to do. When people ask me what would I like to do, I find it difficult to answer or don't believe that I can ever achieve what I answer.
I don't know if this low self esteem or pragmatism on my part. I seem to have settled for an air of supreme indifference and honestly find it hard to feel as if I am part of or truly engaged in experiencing the world.
Perhaps its tiredness or that weird sense of things that comes from being awake at 0448 but I feel like its all a dream and that I am a spectre just flitting along.
posted by fb at
4:37 AM
4 Comments:
Do you find that these doubts get just a little bit easier in the morning? They do to me, insomnia is just a torture.
I know how you feel about not knowing what to do. The questions other people ask get increasingly difficult to answer...and ours too, actually.
I hope we can find out soon.
well i don't know about you, but following your blog to post 439 i think you are pretty admirable.
just my humble opinion.
for example - you inspired me to get to swimming laps...
and regardless, journaling is the best way to see yourself through something, even if it takes a while.
*hug*
i sorta know what i want to do, i just fear that i won't be able to do it! :p
Happy Holidays!!! I hope you have a super season and that 2010 is a year full of wonderful and amazing things for you
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