I woke from a strange dream

I woke from a strange dream where it was if I was a fly on the wall despite being in the room with three girls they all carried on about their business as if I wasn't there. They talked of being unhappy with their current boyfriends, joked about kissing each other and what to wear. When they did acknowledge me it was playfully but it was if they were talking right through me. I was the barely visible man in fact I was probably transparent just a faint essence in the room. It wasn't the greatest feeling in the world to rise to and melancholy filled me right from the get go.

This was further compounded by seeing that the object of my desire had added a friend of mine onto her Facebook account but had yet to accept me as one. Now such trivial matters should not hurt but they do and it did bother me. After all rejection is rejection and no matter what spin you put on it, it hurts and you wonder why?

I felt as if I was alone that morning and passed the minutes by mentally calculating when I'd be able to ride to the pool. There was no denying that the swimming had started to melt away some of the fat around my midriff and combined with the cycling was hopefully making me fitter. Yet I'd go and push myself that little bit harder trying to swim more of one stroke than the other, the total laps of breaststroke and freestyle didn't matter so much but I was aiming to steadily improve the number of freestyle lengths and shorten the rest times between laps. I'm not sure that I enjoyed it so much as it was a way to use up a couple of hours in my day and for me to try and close off the outside world and my anxieties.

Despite seeing friends briefly on Monday and even exchanging a few messages with another I still felt empty. Perhaps that was heightened by the music that I listened too which stung of melancholy for various films over the composer's career. I was yet again listless and had been thinking about the job rejections of last year and wondering why I had fallen short. It's not good to dwell on the past yet here I was caught in the trap and feeling unhappiness over the situation again.

I glanced about me and saw all the accumulated paper, bills, newspapers, books, forms, leaflets, appointment letters. What was I looking for in all of these? Answers? Knowledge? Peace of mind? Inspiration? It's hard not knowing in some respect what to do with your day when you have nowhere to go. Time can be passed easily but often there is a nagging feeling of unease and dissatisfaction at being alone that very often trails behind occasionally tugging at your arm or flicking your ear to remind you.

I wanted to go and travel but part of me knew that what monies I did have should be kept since there were no current job prospects lined up in my near future well nothing concrete at least. I still had the option to become a student at the end of September and this was beginning to look more and more like an attractive proposition. The hardest thing despite my protestations was the inner conflict over whether I actually wanted to stay and work in the film industry. A wise friend told me if I was to leave then it must be with no regrets and to walk away without looking back. It truly was a love and hate affair that I was having with the industry. I'd long for it but when I got there it wasn't all that I hoped and I'd swore that that was it but here I was wondering about work again.

It would be ten thirty soon enough and then I would ride my bicycle to the pool and swim some lengths before returning to spend my day half heartedly wondering what and where I was going to be in my life.