On the move again
In a few days I move homes again and with it lose my steady internet connection for an indefinite amount of time maybe 6 weeks or so. I am still in a strange place in regard to myself and my place in this world.
It seemed as if I would start a job in my previous career for at least 6 weeks which would have been an ideal testing ground and I got through three days without any trouble. Yet things were to be beyond my control as various difficulties with monies promised and contracts between parties meant that a 'hiatus' period would be taken. I received no payment for my work and have yet again been laid off. Again I now find myself questioning the wisdom of the pursuit of a career in film. Such paucity of work really does make one question the reasons for staying or trying to get into or carry on with it. The trouble is I've had a taste of it and want to get the taste back and maybe get even more. Yet while I was ill juniors moved up and caught up or maybe even surpassed me and new faces entered the arena.
I am also acutely aware that is seems to be the main preoccupation in my life and is indeed a vicious circle that I cannot remove myself from. The loss of my place in the industry has caused extreme anxiety and I guess stress in that this is not the life I had imagined I would be living at the age that I am. Somehow I had thought i would be more settled and have a place to call my own and be taking part in barbecues and dog walks in the park yet I have or somebody has conspired not for that to be my life at this moment in time.
While I am acutely aware that I need to work and often consider other careers or completely retraining I also find it objectionable when other people tell me to find Temping Work or ask why I can't find other work. If I knew those answers I'd be working. I beat myself up contantly over this chronic inability to get employed or to get a career path that could make a 'happier' or more complete person.
I have started to look at my life in different ways I could argue that God or some divine force has something better for me that is why I am still here or that is why the job went down. I could say God or whatever is trying to tell me not to pursue film as a careeer. Or in this reicarnation I am living difficulty as punishment for previous indiscretions. Regardless I'd like a sign please as to where I'm meant to be going. It doesn't even have to be a big F*** off neon one that plays music, it can be something small but dumb s*** that I am, it's got to be clear. Thank you.
It seemed as if I would start a job in my previous career for at least 6 weeks which would have been an ideal testing ground and I got through three days without any trouble. Yet things were to be beyond my control as various difficulties with monies promised and contracts between parties meant that a 'hiatus' period would be taken. I received no payment for my work and have yet again been laid off. Again I now find myself questioning the wisdom of the pursuit of a career in film. Such paucity of work really does make one question the reasons for staying or trying to get into or carry on with it. The trouble is I've had a taste of it and want to get the taste back and maybe get even more. Yet while I was ill juniors moved up and caught up or maybe even surpassed me and new faces entered the arena.
I am also acutely aware that is seems to be the main preoccupation in my life and is indeed a vicious circle that I cannot remove myself from. The loss of my place in the industry has caused extreme anxiety and I guess stress in that this is not the life I had imagined I would be living at the age that I am. Somehow I had thought i would be more settled and have a place to call my own and be taking part in barbecues and dog walks in the park yet I have or somebody has conspired not for that to be my life at this moment in time.
While I am acutely aware that I need to work and often consider other careers or completely retraining I also find it objectionable when other people tell me to find Temping Work or ask why I can't find other work. If I knew those answers I'd be working. I beat myself up contantly over this chronic inability to get employed or to get a career path that could make a 'happier' or more complete person.
I have started to look at my life in different ways I could argue that God or some divine force has something better for me that is why I am still here or that is why the job went down. I could say God or whatever is trying to tell me not to pursue film as a careeer. Or in this reicarnation I am living difficulty as punishment for previous indiscretions. Regardless I'd like a sign please as to where I'm meant to be going. It doesn't even have to be a big F*** off neon one that plays music, it can be something small but dumb s*** that I am, it's got to be clear. Thank you.
posted by fb at
4:44 PM
4 Comments:
sometimes you have to make your own sign.
and make sure to write it in pencil and carry a big eraser.
*hug*
Many businesses can fold up shop with little notice. There is a little food shop on a corner near my bus stop which just stopped opening one day only months after it had opened for business. All the food stayed inside for weeks until they came by to board it up. It must have just run out of money.
Would you want to sacrifice a little of the dream for stability? It's an honest question...not making fun. Many people do it (myself included) and find places for their passions outside of the 9 to 5. Maybe one of those things will take flight some day, but in the meantime, I just consider it time well spent making myself happy.
I'm with kimberlina on this one...there are no accurate maps, or well-lit signs. You have to make your own maps and signs. The bright side, is that since you made them, you can change your mind at any time.
well i think Steph said it so well -
there are no maps but...
i read the words "stress" and
"anxiety" and wonder if you would feel
liberated - if you walked away and dared to
imagine a different path...
took any step - to take you off the path you are
on now and hurl yourself into something new
and waited for that sign - now that you are
looking - and just really asked for it -
it may come to you....
hugs:)
sorry to hear you sounding so down. I have to say, I agree with the above, however. I know you don't have the answers but sometimes you just have to move on - doing something is better than doing nothing, even if it be a job you hate. Maybe you could do the 9-5 and in the 6-9 try and do some of your own film work? Sorry if this isn't helpful.
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