Reflections
It seems almost a monthly event that I get a little blue. I crave the company of others but in the same breath want nobody but feel that I need something. Then I start to reflect upon what I've done, where I've been and where I am.
I look back upon my twenties and remember a more optimistic if not slightly more imaginative person who would try things like writing short stories, short films, scripts, paint in oils, try different sports and witha little encouragement and approval would pursue those as potential careers.
My life has always been about seeking approval and acceptance and the romantic idea of belonging. Have I achieved that? Not really I can be in a crowded place and still be so self absorbed to still feel terribly lonely. I wish sometimes I could just stop worrying and stop thinking.
In some respect I suppose all humans are looking to bond and to form a community hence neighbourhoods of people from the same country or sports clubs. The search for our own small community spirit where we can be ourselves.
I don't even live in the city so the urban loneliness of the city doesn't count in my case. Perhaps mine is the mystery of what happens behind the closed curtains of surburbia. No swingers parties that I know of but I'm sure they happen but iIdon't get invites not that I'd be there.
I'll be over all this gloom by tomorrow but sometimes you get so lonely you blog. (you can quote me on that)
On a lighter note...how many football crazy farmers are going to call their bulls 'Zidane' now!? ;)
I look back upon my twenties and remember a more optimistic if not slightly more imaginative person who would try things like writing short stories, short films, scripts, paint in oils, try different sports and witha little encouragement and approval would pursue those as potential careers.
My life has always been about seeking approval and acceptance and the romantic idea of belonging. Have I achieved that? Not really I can be in a crowded place and still be so self absorbed to still feel terribly lonely. I wish sometimes I could just stop worrying and stop thinking.
In some respect I suppose all humans are looking to bond and to form a community hence neighbourhoods of people from the same country or sports clubs. The search for our own small community spirit where we can be ourselves.
I don't even live in the city so the urban loneliness of the city doesn't count in my case. Perhaps mine is the mystery of what happens behind the closed curtains of surburbia. No swingers parties that I know of but I'm sure they happen but iIdon't get invites not that I'd be there.
I'll be over all this gloom by tomorrow but sometimes you get so lonely you blog. (you can quote me on that)
On a lighter note...how many football crazy farmers are going to call their bulls 'Zidane' now!? ;)
posted by fb at
6:16 PM
10 Comments:
lol that was funny, poor Zizou.
I guess we all seek approval from the people we care about but later we learn that it doesn't work unless we feel good about ourselves.
Why don't you re-start trying those different things, one step at the time - you don't have nothing to lose doing that, do you?
But I truly know what you mean when you say you wish you stopped worrying and thinking - I think way too much and always about the same old things. It's no good.
It sounds like you are having a PMS-moment! We all get blue once and in awhile but I think it's good. Do you think that, in a way, it put things into perspective?
We all want to connect, sure we do. It's hard sometimes. The thing is... figure out what you'd like to do, have an adventure - start a new project - be creative - but just do it! Life is really what you make it, after all... I guess, maybe... etc. Point is, every now and then I become so profoundly aware that all we have is right here and right now -
Ok, I'll hush-up now and try to take some of my own advice...
go italy!
*hug*
Even those of us who aren't lonely blog; so this is not a case of "only the lonely"..you can quote me on that. What you need to do is figure out specifically what it is you want and then set a goal to acheive that. I think it can be that simple, I really do. I may learn that this is naive, but haven't, not yet anyway. And we're the same age, mate. We can do it.
All I know is JG Ballard lives in the suburbs of Shepperton and I think he's the single greatest writer of the 20th century and has an imaginative bent that most of us are envious of.
I was admitting to someone recently that whenever I work on my projects I am always terrified. I think I'm quite good at appearing arrogant and confident, but inside I always have absolute sheer terror guiding me. Over the years being creative hasn't gotten any easier; it's still a painful process (even more so when it's less for myself and more to deadlines). But I don't know what I'd be without the urge to transform my existence into something.
Become comfortable with uncertainty and roll with it. You've always been excessively creative. What holds you back is only yourself.
People like you and I can understand that coming face to face with mortality gives you one of two reactions. You can either live in fear or understand the preciousness of time. I've done both and though I'm probably using up some good years in my system right now it's a lot better than living with worry constantly or holding back from things.
i tried to comment yesterday, but blogger wouldn't let me. and hey, me too, on a lot of points. you are still the same person you were in your twenties...just older now.
I'm super lonely, truth be told. Blogging is good for the blues.
I hope you feel better soon.
blogging helps but i find that sometimes it makes me more self absorbed than i already am.
you need people Finn. But you must let them come closer. minimizing the distance hurts sometimes but there is no other way.
xx
a therapist one said to visualize a big red stop button, and press it whenever you begin to overanalyse a situation because you know that it will create stress and angst. just keep visualizing the button, and press it, even if you are telling yourself that all the time at first. eventually, you will stop working yourself up into moods.
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