February
Wow, a month has already passed. I went to have a look at the world yesterday. That is to say I asked to go to a shopping centre where forlorn items hung or lay in the bins or hung from the racks marked 'sale'. I looked in newly opened stores at shiny advancements in technology. I saw people scurry about either disinterested or just perfunctorily going through the motions of buying whatever it is that they felt they needed.
I still feel strangely disconnected from it all and the experience of living, could this be in part to the residual medication in my system or just stem from not having a job and not feeling like a contributing part of society at large?
I must try hard not to alienate myself from the readers of this blog with tales of self absorbed pity for there are those who suffer great injustices and illnesses and tragedies far greater than my own trifle melodramas.
Physically I continue to heal with still the odd pain and sensation of strain across my chest, neck and shoulders but nothing I cannot live with. I find that I do not need painkillers on a daily basis. I am still amazed at my scar and not a day passes that I do not look at it even for a few seconds. The sound of the valve continues to annoy and fascinate me at different times. It is difficult to guage where I stand and if I am making progress ahead of, behind or exactly as it should be.
In an impractical world I would come to the end of the recuperation period, stock up on meds and take a trip around the world...but in the real world I'll have to find a job and rejoin the treadmill of life.
I look forward to putting the last few months to bed and to moving on despite the perminent reminder sounding inside and on the surface of me.
I still feel strangely disconnected from it all and the experience of living, could this be in part to the residual medication in my system or just stem from not having a job and not feeling like a contributing part of society at large?
I must try hard not to alienate myself from the readers of this blog with tales of self absorbed pity for there are those who suffer great injustices and illnesses and tragedies far greater than my own trifle melodramas.
Physically I continue to heal with still the odd pain and sensation of strain across my chest, neck and shoulders but nothing I cannot live with. I find that I do not need painkillers on a daily basis. I am still amazed at my scar and not a day passes that I do not look at it even for a few seconds. The sound of the valve continues to annoy and fascinate me at different times. It is difficult to guage where I stand and if I am making progress ahead of, behind or exactly as it should be.
In an impractical world I would come to the end of the recuperation period, stock up on meds and take a trip around the world...but in the real world I'll have to find a job and rejoin the treadmill of life.
I look forward to putting the last few months to bed and to moving on despite the perminent reminder sounding inside and on the surface of me.
posted by fb at
5:25 AM
11 Comments:
you don't alienate us. on the contrary, at least i, relate with some self absorbed pity from time to time. That's what blogs are for.
By the way, isn't it weird that we are made to feel we are not contributing when we don't work?
I agree with Chloe...
I think by not doing anything terrible or inhumane or damaging to the planet, we are contributing to society.
x
Our lives are not defined by the work we do, and not working does not make us any less a part of society.
As for your blog, I can relate a lot, just like Chloe can. Not the surgery part, but just in the feelings you have expressed.
Keep spilling your guts, man.
Just because other people may have suffered greater injustices, it doesn't mean that your cross wasn't hard to bear and that you're not entitled to some self-pity and some feelings of anger or frustration.
And you are telling us stories that make us think and ponder so you are contributing with something, as valuable as any other.
I agree with the other wise people who've commented here.
I work all day, and I still feel disconnected, and it would be a work of fiction if I told you what I do contributes to society at large. I won't take up your space with stuff about me (that's what my blog is for :) but, yeah, me too.
Find the things you love and keep them close whether you're still stuck at home or running around in circles out here like the rest of us.
so, my friend, it's unanimous; complain away. I understand, really I do.
When you are working again you'll look back on this period in your life and wonder why the hell you just didn't enjoy the fact that you had the time to do as you please. Hard to see that when you're in the midst of it, but really; enjoy enjoy enjoy.
Easy for me to say; I want to escape to a desert island right now....
Wow, I have just been cruising back over the last few months of your blog. What a time you have had. And to still be blogging away, worried that others are doing it harder than you, and that what you are going through is not improtant. Don't. You deserve to be heard, as does everyone. Makes for interesting reading, too, especially for people who haven't been through what you are going through. My hat goes off to you for being such a strong person. Take care, Meow
Have you decided what countries to visit Finn? Travelling around the world sounds wonderful. Re. finding a job, I won't worry; it will surely find you before ;-)
a life of disconnectedness. where we just sit or stand and watch the world. the strange mediocrity of it all. the only things that truly give me joy are my family and boyfriend and cats. my craft room and good food.
frustrations are inevitable and therefore understandable. I cant possibly imagine what its like for you at the moment but I know I write things about being down all the time and I dont have half the reasons you do.
Im not a medical man but im sure you'll be fine and fit soon. Things have away of turning around very gradually. Keep your chin up
PS. I replied :-)
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