Loitering with no apparent intent...

Here again

2011-06-09T23:18:00.003+01:00

My life is rather strange and often I am prone to bouts of extreme self-examination that borders not on loathing but a mistrust of myself.

I think people find it hard to be around me because I sometimes need the quiet moments of reflection when I'm with them. Its not always easy just to enjoy silences together, you need the presence of another but not always to speak.

I think about people in my life and realize that there are certain individuals that give me hope and who I think about everyday at some point. I might just say their names in my mind under my breath and I smile to myself thinking about them.

I want what's best for them and I have started to recognize the ones that truly want what's best for me and that's priceless.

Am I Worthy?

2011-05-15T01:15:00.002+01:00

I feel like life is escaping from me.

I feel as if i haven't really got a hold of it, I don't have a hold of anything concrete in this life.

Instead of looking at what I have and have achieved I keep freaking out over what I don't have.

The trouble is this vacant feeling that I have won't go away and keeps gnawing at me.

Things gleaned from articles that had resonance with me

2011-04-30T08:29:00.002+01:00

'impotent rage'
'living in an isolated world'
'fiercely intelligent but emotionally semi-detached'

Meh

2011-04-19T18:47:00.003+01:00

Why is it we only blog when we are unhappy?

I must admit to feeling complete and utter despair in fits and starts for the last 2 weeks. I can't pin it down exactly to what or why and that just further compounds it...

The weather has been good but despite the sun I feel the complete opposite.

A good man

2011-04-15T19:56:00.002+01:00

I know that I try and do the right thing and am a good person as I've been told once.

I've also heard that somebody thinks highly of me.

Both those people have been women but I have never been romantically involved with either.

Is that just female code for I am boring but reliable and worth having around every now and then?

Into April

2011-04-11T18:46:00.003+01:00

A month on from having an interesting time, I know where I want to return to.

Finally there seems to be a place where I think I might just want to spend more time.

Was I there just for the girl or was it the place as well?

The girl had a big part to do with it and while there was no physical aspect to time spent with her, I felt a sense of something I haven't felt for a while...a genuine sense of care and affection.

Boy, I miss the place and the girl.

I will return.

Lost in Translation

2011-02-27T10:51:00.002Z

I have just spent close to a month in another country and now my time is almost up...

But its now also with a certain sense of emptiness that I prepare to leave.

I am reminded of a line from a film:

'Let's never come here again because it would never be as much fun.'

Happy New Year

2011-01-02T08:27:00.002Z

Happy New Year.

Under the influence

2010-09-24T00:24:00.002+01:00

There is drunk dialling and now I'm going for drunk blogging already doing the drunk tweeting.

What am I doing drunk? It was a birthday meal not my birthday but a combination of me being a prick and being hungry and being wound up by poor service and another member of the party left me losing my appetite and choosing whiskey instead.

I normally go through my mini crisises with a DVD and falling asleep...

Today, I finished half a bottle of No7 only a 35cl bottle mind though I had a couple of drinks of it back at the hotel bar.

Drunk because I'm aimless again and not really sure what it is that I really want.

Maybe Ii''ll go bed and see if i have a hangover in the morning.

Current tunes: Ryan Bingham

It's a funny old life

2010-09-05T05:16:00.002+01:00

This week I became an uncle for the second time.

I signed autographs and sat on a panel for a Q&A about a film I worked on and had a great night out with old friends. That threw a spanner in the works because I'd love to make another film with those guys. I also realized, I just don't have enough good nights out often enough.

I spent a day printmaking and surprised myself with the amount of prints that I did manage when I apply myself.

I went to my grandmother's birthday dinner.

I watched 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' and thought Kate Winslet has never been better than when she was Clementine in that movie.

I worked from 10 p.m till 5 in the morning as a stagehand and know in my heart that I am worth and capable of so much more than being a stagehand.

Monthly

2010-08-24T09:59:00.003+01:00

It seems like I'm on here just once a month.

My time has been consumed or rather thoughts have been.

Works that need to be printed, anxieties over cost of picture framing and time needed to get the frames done.

Glasses frames to choose and again the cost of getting the lens and frames.

Too much worry about money.

Very good at spending it struggling to get it in.

I'm also highly critical of myself in that I don't feel like I'm a grown-up.

I've also been feeling somewhat isolated of late and have turned into the numerical statistic you hear about of just logging onto a computer and interacting with digital friends.

I still remain convinced that I will make an 'artist of some sorts' to quote Jackson Pollock.

Just have to get through each day...one day at a day.

I don't know if I'm living in a fantasy world or behaving like I live in one.

Intermittent service

2010-07-28T23:18:00.002+01:00

I am well aware that my output here has greatly diminished despite lots going on in the world.

The World Cup was only 17 days ago and I didn't write about it much although I watched almost every match...the one I wanted to see I didn't because I was at work was Japan vs Denmark. Which was one of those results that did have a jaw dropping effect.

I can't help but feel that while so much is going on around me that I'm still partly just walking through...a passer by or an observer of life.

I had a couple of long, long work days in the last couple of weeks...two of those for very good pay and the others not so well paid. While there is great satisfaction to be had from working so hard it also made me think wouldn't it be great to go home to somebody after a 12 hour work day. To get back to find that she's waited up for you and just wants to hold you but knows well enough not to talk too much.

I think of a film directed by a friend that dealt with a literal solitary existence but even when I'm surrounded by faces and bodies in a given space at a given time...I can still feel detached.

I'm not sure if it is loneliness that I feel...do I long to share laughs, kisses and the touch of a hand...do I feel sad? angry? or just indifferent.

Or do I just think too much?

Am I worried?

Coming and going

2010-06-19T09:36:00.001+01:00

Here and there.

My course is almost done.

A strange 2 years of intermittent study.

The World Cup is almost over.

Who would have thought Holland would make it through or even Uruguay to the semi-finals.

World Cup highlights for me has to be Japan beating Denmark and begrudingly have to admit the Germans looked really good at times.

Nike suceeded in jinxing every player that was the focus in their advertising campaign...Ronaldinho didn't even make the squad...then Drogba went out followed by Cannavaro, Rooney, Ribery, even Federer wasn't immune, Ronaldo went out...

Intermittent

2010-02-22T15:29:00.002Z

Well, the posts have been rather sporadic in nature.

Is this because I have found other things to occupy myself with?

Yes and no.

I had the holiday blues even if its not a real holiday over Valentines not so much because I was out and about but just the realization or rather the self-directed questioning of 'How did I get so far in life toi find myself alone?'

It wasn't exactly a sense of desperation nor acceptance maybe something in between or me kidding myself but perhaps some people are meant to be alone in their lifetime.

Perhaps in another life I was or will be a prodigious lover.

Alternately one can also point to the fact that I do not actively rush after or chase skirt.

Too reticent or lazy?

Summer past

2010-01-03T22:03:00.002Z

Post 440 December 31st 2009

2009-12-31T23:35:00.003Z

Well, its close to being 2010 for some readers its already happened for others its yet to come. I don't seem to do much in terms of New Year's Eve often not being invited to parties because either: 1) nobody wants to invite me 2) They all think I'm already doing something.

Although this year I've been ill since the evening of the 27th December with assorted ailments and am currently sat in bed composing this post so I wouldn't be attending any sort of shindig, party, get-together, rave up or whatever you crazy kids do these days...;)

Highlights of a year gone by...

I can't remember month by month although I'm trying to recall what happened in each. Things that I do remember as good times or had a good outcome:

Going to Japan after not being for 15 years, catching up with friends there.
Selling artwork.
Learning how to use a followspot (although application of this skill may be limited in the future)

Things I'd like to improve on in 2010:

Making artwork and learning new skills to do so.
Develop personal relationships.
Find and develop a greater community of creative spirits more in tune with my interests.
My Japanese language skills.

I'm sure more things will pop into my mind but for now:

WISHING YOU ALL A HAPPY & PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!

POST 439

2009-11-24T04:37:00.002Z

I sometimes have trouble sleeping and this is one of those times. I know full well that I can't solve things at 0438 in the morning but here I am thinking about my life. It just seems to be a record that is stuck, groundhog day if you will. I am constantly wondering what happened to my life.

I am nearing the end of my thirties and feel troubled that I haven't been able to settle into anything by now. I thought I had when I got into the what I used to do but after racing off to a great start and with what potentially looked like a career path I spun off the course in a way that I never imagined. Rejoining the race was never going to be easy and keeping with the racing analogy I found myself overtaken and lapped by previous colleagues and by new competitors. I lost faith in it and maybe in my self.

I just feel like I've never really found what it is that I want nor what I want to do. When people ask me what would I like to do, I find it difficult to answer or don't believe that I can ever achieve what I answer.

I don't know if this low self esteem or pragmatism on my part. I seem to have settled for an air of supreme indifference and honestly find it hard to feel as if I am part of or truly engaged in experiencing the world.

Perhaps its tiredness or that weird sense of things that comes from being awake at 0448 but I feel like its all a dream and that I am a spectre just flitting along.

Places I've been and seen

2009-11-10T00:05:00.002Z

I think about Japan and America as places that I've been and I've always had a good time ion both places. Is that because I'm on vacation/holiday and so I'm more relaxed to just enjoy myself? Or is there more to it than that?

Are the friends that I have there better or just different?

Am I a different person when I'm in those countries because i have only a set amount of days and so try to do more than I normally would and so live life fuller than I do than when I'm at 'home'?

Not all doom and gloom

2009-10-24T14:03:00.003+01:00

End of the week and whilst not exactly a beacon of happiness and light I'm not as gloomy as the previous post.

I think I do far too much thinking and not enough doing of my many ideas.

Instead of thinking I need to be doing...

I went to the Affordable Art Fair on Thursday where a mind-numbing 120 galleries had stands after 2/3 of it my brain had overload. It's interesting the galleries that came from near the coasts or countrysides had work that dealt with the sea or bovine and feline subjects.

But what I was able to see in most works that were painted be they figurative or abstract were the influences of artists like Rothko, Diebenkorn, Chagall, Warhol, Lichenstein writ large upon the work...

I don't know if this ability to see the influences is a hindrance or an advantage.

I met a lovely girl called Violet working for a gallery at one stand and got chatting to her for quite a while, if I had more courage I would have tried to get a number and asked her out for a drink but she has my card now. After all why ruin the ego boost of talking to her although it is her job to talk to all potential buyers by getting shot down in a public place. Are art fairs for picking up girls? I'm sure some artists have by being there with their work.

So on show were the good, the bad and the ugly...I really need to make more art.

I still feel embarassed when people say that I am an artist. I don't tell people that I am an artist, when does one actually say that they are? Yet other people say that I am or introduce me as one. I have seen some truly awful artwork in my lifetime and those artists seem to make some money from it, is an artist measured by financial success that justifies his or her place in the world. Then again Van Gogh was a financial failure in his lifetime but his conviction in himself as an artist drove him on.

It is self-doubt that holds me back, I need to be more confident in my work.

Again too much thinking and not enough making and doing of art.

Void

2009-10-19T03:30:00.002+01:00

It's 330 in the am and I'm awake because I feel hurt and don't really understand why and where it all went wrong. I really shouldn't be dwelling on it, its been four years since I got ill but I can't help but feel i never really got back on my feet again since.

And people tell me to move on but I can't seem to...I was doing well in the film industry but got ill and when I came back was no longer the golden boy. The best thing that could have happened to me at the time would have been a job instead of being cast aside. By being cast aside I lost confidence in myself as I watched everybody else get work.

That gaping void in my life that was a working life has yet to be filled until I find success be it financial or otherwise in another field I am going to be constantly haunted by this horrific realization that I was not good enough.

Changes

2009-10-10T22:08:00.002+01:00

The weather has turned after a pretty non-commital version of summer where the sun never really showed itself nor the heat that is associated with summer, a noticeable chill has set in and the leaves have changed colour.

Time marches on and with it no certainties other than days are moving on and changes take place all around...

Introvert, Isolated and Introspective

2009-09-16T17:42:00.002+01:00

Introvert, isolated and introspective do they all feed one another or are they all a product of finding oneself or feeling or experience a sense of isolation which leads to introspection and turns the individual into an introvert?

ISOLATION (physical &/Or mental from others) ↔ INTROSPECTION ↔ INTROVERT

Is this a circular state of being or can certain aspects be detached from the equation and be approached from different states of being.

Pseudo philosophy 101 ;)

Things I've been called...

2009-09-03T23:22:00.003+01:00

Some in jest, some at school, some in anger...

1) Lionel
2) Henry Tudor
3) Archie
4) Deks
5) H
6) Hitachi
7) Big Man
8) Chinaman
9) Nip
10) Keeks
11) Welsh bastard
12) I-de

Things I've wanted to say but never have...

2009-09-02T21:53:00.002+01:00

Things that I've felt like saying but never have or can only picture happening in a movie or a book:

1) Why the fuck didn't you hire me?

2) Am I wasting my time here? (to prospective employers)

3) It's always been you ever since I met you all those years ago.

4) You're the best looking thing in this whole place. (To a pretty woman in a gallery)

5) You're smile is the best thing I've seen all day. (To a pretty girl who is a stranger)

6) I'm going to miss that smile.

7) Yep, just leave your rubbish right there...can I come round to your house and do the same? (Trouble is the people littering are either in groups or the kind who will argue or hit you)

8) You were a 8 but I saw you smoking and you lost 3 points straight away. (To a girl who's smoking in public)

9) Damn, if it's a biological condition then I apologize but do you not wash your clothes at all? (Seriously I do wonder on crowded London underground trains)

10) You look terrific. (To a pretty girl on a train)

How dirty are your streets?

2009-08-22T16:44:00.002+01:00

I've noticed that here in England there is a tendency to drop chocolate wrappers, crisp (chip) bags and the like but the big thing I've noticed is all the black spots that cover London streets.

Black spots that can only be chewing gum, it seems there is no culture of holding onto your rubbish till you get home or finding a dustbn.

A ride on the underground train and you'll find free papers, empty bottles, empty food cartons...

So next time you're out and about have a look at the pavement, sidewalks and let me know what they're like where you are.

Thanks...

August

2009-08-13T00:48:00.002+01:00

Well the football season starts again thank goodness it gives me a chance to take my mind off myself for a change.

Speaking of which you didn't think it would be that easy, did you?!

I am trying and failing miserably at trying to update and practice my technical drawing both in pencil and using a computer for trying to get back into film work not that there's much of it about.

A one day litho printmaking course was so much more interesting and made me wonder how in the hell do I get to make prints for a living?

We can't always do what we want and more often than not we have have to do what we have to do.

Relax?

2009-07-11T13:10:00.003+01:00

I find it very hard to relax. It hits me more often than not because I'm not working nor do I know what my niche is in life is. The usual triggers cause this anxiety like seeing bank account details which just serve to reinforce my feelings of disappointment and inadequacy in myself.

On the face of it I have a seemingly idyllic and relaxed life. This is not necessarily out of choice but due in part to the afore mentioned apathy and laziness combination.

I do in fact have a casual job starting next month which will be of the as and when we need you variety so I'm not sure how many hours a week that will be yet. Its a tough world out there and I'm not afraid to admit I haven't really found my niche. I kind of wish I had because it would be one less thing to worry about.

I'd like to have a bit more fun in life and to enjoy it more than I do.

Any good ideas anyone aside from 'relax'?

Laziness

2009-06-26T14:12:00.002+01:00

Laziness
La"zi*ness\, n. The state or quality of being lazy.

la⋅zy
/ˈleɪzi/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ley-zee] Show IPA adjective, -zi⋅er, -zi⋅est, verb, -zied, -zy⋅ing.
Use laziness in a Sentence
–adjective
1. averse or disinclined to work, activity, or exertion; indolent.

I am self aware and realize that I'm being very lazy and while I know what I have to do something is stopping me.

Its one thing to be lazy but combined with apathy its a wonder that I get up in the morning.

I don't really know what's going on anymore. I get up and the day may vary only by what I eat and what programs are shown on the television. I am not doing anything to try and change my landscape. I apply for jobs but deep within I am not settled and I could change my scenery but I'll still be me and my concerns will still be with me wherever I travel.

Am I anybody's type? Or is anybody my type?

2009-06-20T17:42:00.002+01:00

Sometimes I wonder am I actually going to be anybody's type anymore in the distant past I was the type of boy for some girls but then that has long since passed and now I don't seem to be anybody's type. Or do we end up becoming to set in our ways that we expect others to just tolerate our foibles and agree with us or does the fight and effort just decrease the longer you spend on your own watch?

The flip side of the question is also do I actually have a type? The thing that I find interesting is that often other people's girls seem that much more attractive probably because they're not plagued with the anxiety of trying to impress you or in trying to find the one for them.

Night into Day

2009-06-17T04:04:00.002+01:00

I've just seen night turn into day. The dark is becoming light again. The dead of night is now the sound of birds. I am without sleep and have no tiredness instead I am filled with an anxiety born of frustration at not knowing quite what I am doing with my time and self anymore.

Deflated

2009-06-12T10:01:00.003+01:00

Whilst I realize Rome wasn't built in a day and all that, its now June and yet again I am out of a job. Sometimes I envy those with a job but then some of them envy my freedom.

I still haven't found something to really capture my imagination in all aspects of my life. I get up, I find some physical ailment to give me some sort of pain which in truth seems to be the only way to confirm that I am indeed alive.

Occasionally I get a mild sense of pleasure from cycling and playing Scrabble on facebook but my art is somewhat mediocre.

There are days where I feel like I am watching from above and not necessarily a part of the world. I sometimes think I am becoming invisible especially when people bump into me as I wasn't there and say nothing.

May 2009

2009-05-01T21:14:00.003+01:00

Yet another Bank Holiday here in England, I wonder which country has the most public holidays in the world.

Rather than looking forward to it I felt not exactly a dread but again a sense of disappointment that I really had nothing in particular to look forward to. Nobody waiting for me to come home, no kisses or barking or mewing...

Sometimes it seems like the world keeps turning and I'm just watching but taking part.

I have one print in some open exhibition locally but failed in my attempt to get into a Print only exhibition up north.

All the theorizing and trying to put into some sort of context has also in a way taken away the fun and in constantly searching for the right image...I feel the work has become a bit stilted.

Taken from http://exorcising-ghosts.co.uk/

murakami quote of the month

South of the Border, West of the Sun

“I always feel as if I’m struggling to become someone else. As if I’m trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new life, a new personality. I suppose it’s part of growing up, yet it’s also an attempt to re-invent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything. I seriously believed I could escape myself – as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What’s missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I’m still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I think that lack itself is as close as I’ll come to defining myself.”

We have all the time in the world

2009-04-20T20:37:00.002+01:00

Or do we? Lately despite spring half heartily making a cautious appearance I've been feeling a little blue. Time keeps marching on and here I am still on my lonesome.

Most of the time I just get on with it and don't feel particularly lonely but recently I've been feeling isolated and questioning my very existence. I get up, I eat< I work but how is it changing or making my life better?

I need to believe in myself more and to do more but sometimes I wish there was somebody to 'do' with.

More than this

2009-04-15T13:26:00.002+01:00

There must be more to life, I'm not living life to the full the world must be bigger than the world that I have created for myself.

My world is very small and isolated in the grand scheme of things almost as if I am an island which is barely a blip and most definitely not even that on the pages of the atlases of others.

Where have the laughs, the drinks, the kisses and the walks along shores gone?

Where? When and how?

2009-04-07T18:13:00.002+01:00

Where, when and how did it all go so wrong?

What happened to me that I got stuck somewhere along the line and made nothing of my life?

How have I got stuck on my own and with my parents?

Was I not given a will to try and make it on my own?

What is wrong with me?

Can we play you every week?

2009-03-17T08:38:00.002Z

As some of you may have noticed I support Liverpool Football club who have got to be one of the more frustrating teams to support in the last few seasons.

Last week is a great example of this...first up last Tuesday were Los blancos, Real Madrid who finding themselves one behind from the first leg had to come to win. Did they even show up? They came, they left after letting in 4 goals.

Saturday saw Liverpool on the short trip to Manchester United, the current league leaders and a team full of international stars. Prior to the game Manure's defenders were having praise lavished on them by the press that was until the match kicked off.
Torres and Gerrard shredded them to bits it was funny to watch as Liverpool scored 4 yet again!

So there is a team in there, its just a shame that against the bottom dwellers earlier in the season Liverpool didn't c ollect maximum points...

Generating art

2009-03-08T23:23:00.001Z

I have become locked in a battle with myself as to where my art is going.

I think I'm starting to work out what I'm not interested in and what I don't want to do which is surely a good thing.

But oh boy its tough generating ideas...

Of Push ups and Bicycles

2009-02-21T17:47:00.003Z

I saw the link for this on Gimchi's blog and am now doing this...one hundred pushups

As usual I was somewhat sceptical but have since become a convert after one week and noticing an improvement each time.

Finally, after a very long time I went for a bike ride today since my leg injury and subsequent weakening of the knee. I do enjoy riding my bicycle, there is something very satisfying about going out and about under your own steam. Towards the end I felt my calf alarmingly tighten but coasted for a while and was able to make it back with my thighs burning a little. I look forward now to the weather getting better and hopefully my strength both pushups wise and cycling.

Angst

2009-02-20T20:26:00.002Z

My angst has resurfaced as I fear for my a future that is yet to materialize and whether I am walking down the right path despite claiming to have found the right one less than a month ago.

Oh dear!

One solution has been offered to me but I'm not interested in that one which requires faith and I don't have that faith.

I think the angst has arisen from thinking and self-analyzing again and fearing that I have no idea of what I'm doing or trying to say without making work that is just derivative of something that somebody else has made or that I've just seen. Of course there are certain forms that exist and are universally known like the square, triangle and circle, I guess the trick is to know how to bullshit and to find a way into them that has some sort of credence.

Another path

2009-01-30T00:18:00.004Z

Well, I started my part-time job at the start of the year and actually enjoy the tasks that some might even call menial but they keep in an environment where I feel increasingly comfortable. They should just pay me in art supplies after all that's where it ends up going!

I am starting to produce a few prints that I feel are on the way to being not bad at all and starting to know my way around a couple of the processes.

I don't what it is or maybe its the fact that I'm starting to enjoy myself and my confidence is following but people are looking to me for opinions and advice. I don't know the answers but I guess its flattering to be asked how to do this or that. Sometimes I wonder if I could have been an actor, so convincing to others that I'm in control and full of knowledge when really I'm not always that sure.

Part of that is probably not trusting myself which is a lack of confidence on my part but it would have good to have been an actor...imagine if I'd become the next Doctor Who then my mother could say both her sons are doctors!

Running away from the real world has been absolutely and unequivocally the best thing for me and I've been fortunate enough to have found people and a place that encourages me to learn and to put into practice ideas.

Butterflies

2009-01-17T23:56:00.003Z

Through my meandering courses through books and internet places and pages I find words and thoughts from other people that trigger my own thoughts. From an internet dating advert I read that the girl in question was looking for somebody to make her 'stomach flutter'. I don't even remember checking out the rest of her advert but it did get me thinking that nobody has made my stomach flutter or given me butterflies for a very long time and is that even possible with my black and withered heart. I don't think my heart is black and withered but perhaps the brain is more logical now or more cynical.

While reading 'Dance, Dance, Dance' by Murakami again I found one chapter to encompass the place that I felt I might just be at this moment in time and maybe that's why he's so successful around the world. It could be that any given time there will be elements in his writing that we can identify as human experiences regardless of time and place...The narrator is explaining how he likes and enjoys the company of a woman but when it all just tails off he wasn't so bothered and it all came down to that he never really needed nor wanted her.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't make more effort in trying to find somebody to be with but I've got used to spending time by myself and haven't actually felt butterflies for anybody and I have enjoyed the company of others but haven't found anybody that I really need or want.

Achiever

2009-01-04T19:26:00.003Z

We're told not to compare ourselves to the lives of others but since the invention of Facebook you can investigate the lives of others by seeing the pictures that they post. There are people I went to school showing off their cars and families and I wonder why I didn't go after these things too.

What is the measure of a man? I don't actually aspire to the things that these people have achieved but why don't I want a wife, children, a home and such things?

Am I afraid? Why don't I chase these things? What is it that I want from this life?

I don't know if I've settled into a life of mediocrity or a life of cowardice or is this the life that I have chosen regardless of what I do?

The Stoic

2008-12-31T05:25:00.003Z

Its becoming rarer that I actually get up at 0526 to actually write something despite strange nights with strange dreams I normally remain in my bed and try to sleep through the weird images and the nagging doubts. I am still not at peace with the nagging awareness that I could not cut it and I hate myself for letting it bother me and it was bothering me less until 2 weeks ago. There are certain things that I have discovered about people that I know and despite my saying to the contrary I cannot help but feel battered by the knowledge that they were wanted but I was not.

What troubles me is the knowledge that I don't want to be troubled but am by something that I am trying to convince myself I don't want. By losing sleep am I still really wanting to be a part of something because I can't be a part of it?

The only course is to work hard at either what I am doing now and to become a success at it and in that way I will not need the other and become the person that I want to be on my terms.

I want to be free

2008-12-27T17:54:00.002Z

I am still having trouble accepting that I wasn't good enough to cut it in the industry as I hear that two past colleagues have got jobs I wonder why didn't I ever get a job offer? Was it personal? Was it simply that the person in charge never really liked me enough?

How do I free myself of this torture? So far the only answer I have is to totally shut the people from that past out of my present so I cannot be reminded.

Of past lives

2008-12-20T17:41:00.002Z

I went to a birthday party last night where most of the people are working in the industry that I could not get back into and four of them on the same job. The thing I miss most about the work is the money and despite what I or others say it still kind of hurts to see these people and hear their stories of Christmas parties because it reminds me that I wasn't good enough to get a job or to extend my career.

Of course I should be thicker skinned and say good luck to them and fuck them.

Still I had a good time despite having an upset stomach today...bad pizza I think at that meal.

Onwards onto better things for me.

This is the end?

2008-12-12T22:55:00.002Z

Do blogs just eventually run out of steam and fade away? I've noticed I've been writing less and less here and visiting others even less frequently.

Are blogs just right at certain moments in our lives when we find ourselves having things to say but nowhere to say them but online to reassure ourselves that there this life beyond our own thoughts and if somebody recognizes something then we somehow feel reassured of our selves?

Do I carry on or will I eventually forgot the name of my own blog and will it sit here in cyberspace drifting or do Blogger just obliterate unattended blogs after a certain amount of time?

It's been a while since i last came here...

2008-12-01T22:15:00.002Z

Doubts have surfaced, anxieties have arisen and abated. Time has passed very rapidly and I try to absorb as much new stimuli as is humanly possible. I try to collect and gather new information and find new inspirations.

All of that and more have been taking over my life and I'm starting to enjoy the ride trying to read new books whenever possible and finding new artists to look at.

I've met and heard new stories from new faces and seen some old faces (7 years) and have become aware that others are fading but know well enough that such is the nature of things.

I've seen and felt my leg heal but still it hasn't fully healed and my patience grows thin but I'm not sure what else can be done there.

Self doubt

2008-10-17T20:30:00.002+01:00

I am plagued by self-doubt and a chronic lack of self-confidence that seems to hit me like a wave usually in the middle or towards the end of a month. It comes on in such a way that I feel so miserable and angry that I can only express it as a kind of despair with rage thrown into the mix.

I am finally able to walk without crutches but don't have a full range of mobility back yet and must still be careful. Everytime I get cocky I wobble and my weight shifts uncomfortably onto my left thigh so I'm maintaining the use of one crutch for a while longer.

I've gone back to school with absolutely no clue about what to do in regards to money. I've chosen to study Fine Art and Applied Art at Masters level. Jeez, I like making my life difficult...its too early to say if I'm loving it, hating it or just being.

2 down, 4 to go?

2008-09-29T14:19:00.007+01:00

My leg injury turned out to be more severe than I'd imagined, I think in part that was due to the old me forgetting that I am on blood thinners which make bruising far worse.

The most likely thing that I have done is to suffer a very severe dead leg/charley horse. Judging by the pain and the descriptions online and wherever else I can garner information, its a Grade 3 one and that's going to take some time to heal. I've been told up to six weeks...so far I've just about managed to get through 2 weeks. I have this fist sized hard lump of damaged muscle at the top of my thigh that just won't loosen up and be reabsorbed.

So I've been mainly sitting in my bed with my leg extended trying to do what little mobility exercises I can so as not to let the muscles waste away completely. Although I suspect that's already been happening. I'm slowly reducing the intake of the painkillers that they gave me. Its not so much pain anymore but discomfort as my body tries to reabsorb the blood and the muscles and tendons stretch out.

Its given me time to read and reread books and to watch DVD's and it hasn't been too bad checking out from the outside world of which so far my only experience and participation has been visits to the hospital to check on the level of my thin blood.

I think my anxiety level has come well down by not having to worry about getting here or there in a hurry or concern myself with trying to find work because I wouldn't be able to attend an interview anyways.

I've probably said it before but I've also realized that I've left myself short in terms of friendships outside of 'work friendships' that very rarely if at all continue outside of the job when it has finished. I find that somewhat disappointing but am also aware that you can never really build a friendship with people that you work with when you're competing for the same job the majority of the time.

There are things in life I'd like to and quite how I get to achieve those is another matter. For example I have always wanted to go and live in America but am no longer quite so sure how I'll do that. I am beginning to think that perhaps I'd like to teach. I still harbour ambitions realistic or not to act. At this moment in time though I feel I need to explore the possibilities of art.

In the meantime it is becoming increasing nearer to the date of a new term at the local university where they are expecting me, crutches or not I'm actually starting to warm to the idea of studying again.

I've been debating whether to go Full Time or Part Time but am opting for the former to immerse myself into it and hopefully now older and maybe wiser to have a better university experience than when I was 18 all those years ago when I didn't rate studying.

Although I still wish I could get my shit together a whole lot more than I have.

?

2008-09-28T10:53:00.002+01:00

I'm so far from being the person that I'd thought I'd be.

convictions

2008-09-25T05:13:00.004+01:00

Its 513 in the morning and I'm in pain, my leg hurts and my chest hurts both muscular strains. My mind is keeping me awake too as I lie in the near darkness trying to answer the questions that I cannot find answers to. I am in both physical and mental anguish but it seems I'm not the only one who is looking for answers or doing something on a computer as I can see light behind the 'office' door reflected in my mirror of the room opposite.

I've listened to various songs in the past hour and applied various lyrics to my life. For example from an eighties classics, 'Don't you forget about me' but you know what I feel like a lot of people have.

I'm sitting in bed typing words into this computer and asking myself why?

Could it be this taken from Wikipedia or would that be too convenient?

'Solipsism syndrome is a state of mind in which a person begins to feel that everything is a dream and is not real.

Solipsism is a philosophical theory that all activity takes place within the mind, and therefore there is no reality outside one's own mind. As a philosophical theory it is interesting because it is said to be internally consistent and, therefore, cannot be disproven. But as a psychological state, it is highly uncomfortable. The whole of life becomes a long dream from which an individual can never wake up. Even friends are not real, they are a part of the dream. A person may feel very lonely and detached, and eventually becomes apathetic and indifferent.

Some environments are conducive to producing solipsism syndrome. This state of mind can be easily produced in an environment where everything is artificial, where everything is like a theater stage, where every wish can be fulfilled by a push-button, and where there is nothing beyond the theater stage and beyond an individual's control.'

But then a blog in itself is an act of solipsism but then the fact that the blog is made available to an unseen audience mean that the author is trying to move away from self indulgence or just indulging the self even more?

Holiday!

2008-09-21T16:17:00.004+01:00

Well, I decided to try something that I hadn't really tried and to learn something new all in one go. Call it mid life crisis or just another part of my mid life indecision as one friend has called it but I went off to the coast to take some surfing lessons. I'd been once almost ten years ago but hadn't had lessons and remembered sore triceps and body surfing one wave in. So this time round I'd been preparing myself by swimming lengths in the pool.

I got to my destination last week (Sunday) and arrived in a tiny village that consisted of a few restaurants and shops for basic provisions and surf wear. There was no bank or 24 hour convenience shop. The other noticeable thing were the signs for Bed and Breakfast outside the houses. The traffic flow was pretty constant in and out of the village of cars with surfboards on their roofs and roof racks.

As soon as I had parked up close to the beach I walked down to the sand, almost immediately taking my shoes off so that I could feel the cool smoothness underfoot. I have an ongoing list of simple pleasures and for me the seaside and sand is one of those. There were surfers coming in and surfers going out even as the light was beginning to fade.

I stayed in a room bigger than expected and paid for one night in one of the many B&B's lining the main street. Was I nervous? A little. Was I looking forward to it? Yes. Did I sleep well? Okayish.

Monday morning arrived and with it the sun. Actually there was no sun there hasn't been any sun this year in England during the summer months. I got myself down to the surf school in plenty of time and changed into my wetsuit and joined my fellow students, we carried our blue 9ft 'Storm Rider' boards down to the beach and were taught the basics on the beach. We were shown how to slide up onto our knees and then to bring our knees up and how to get into the stance or alternately how to pop up straight to our feet from a prone position. Its one thing on a flat beach but another in the sea where everything is moving. The water wasn't as cold as i thought it might be but adrenaline probably played its part there. Our instructor took as out as a group and we lined ourselves up in waist deep water and on his cue all hopped on board and paddled as a wall of white water advanced towards us. I got the wave and rushed towards the beach, I got up on my knees, I raised my left knee, i saw one other student next to me and then splash I went in. The rest of the morning was much the same except with less success of that initial attempt. Towards the end I felt a twinge under my right breast but left the water excited by the prospect of trying to stand on the board.

As Monday progressed the twinge became more painful to the degree that it hurt to breath and reaching for things was painful. Well I had no tricep or shoulder pain so the swimming had covered that but not the chest pain.

Tuesday arrived and with it new conditions and some new students and different instructors for the morning. My painful chest was still bothering me when we took to the water which felt colder or perhaps my general discomfort was just exacerbating everything. The soreness troubled me and put me off enjoying myself, the sea was relatively calm compared to yesterday with the waves less frequent and the white water would break in one area and work itself horizontally as it swept in towards the shore. One thing I noticed from the day before was that there was no time to think about things when the water is coming at you. We'd start in waist high water and try to jump onto the boards on our stomachs and then paddle at times we'd still be trying to move out as the water would pound us or lift us up. The waves may have only been 1 or 2ft high but as they approach you, you lose sight of the horizon. There is no time for existential dilemmas or questioning of why you want to do this.

I never got to stand as the times that I did catch a wave the ride would be over before I could remember where to put my hands or to try to slide my knees more centrally under my body. The pain in my chest moved from the right side to the whole of chest which felt like it was trying to split open. I even had one collision with another student which I remember either him or his board hitting my thigh and at the time I just waved off as a 'dead leg'. The waves never came as fast and furiously as that first Monday and top of which I hurt, my chest ached and my leg was a little sore. Secretly I wanted a day off and I still had three more morning sessions to get to grips with this.

I spent the afternoon beach combing with my injured leg starting to stiffen up, I had hoped that I'd just walk it off but the opposite was happening. If anything it was swelling up and getting harder to walk on. It looked like I'd get that day off and with it a chance to rest my straining chest too. I slept badly that night with pain right across my chest and my leg throbbing.

Wednesday morning arrived and I could hardly walk extending my leg was a problem and it was getting hard to lift it unsupported. The landlady asked if I wanted to see a doctor and I agreed readily. Sometimes you just know when something is a lot worse than it seems and this was one of those. This was the dead leg from hell. Fortunately the car I had driven down in was an automatic because there'd be no way that I could drive a manual in the state I was in. Just getting in and out of the car was sheer agony and took some manoeuvring on my part and face pulling. The doctor saw me but wanted me to go the hospital for a scan as she felt I might be bleeding into my thigh too. Who was I to disagree but just getting in and out and there by myself was becoming more and more painful. I managed to get to the hospital and without a scan the doctor diagnosed it as a dead leg with bleed out probably made more than likely due to the fact that I was on blood thinners too. The remedy was to rest and ice my leg and keep it elevated.

Now either foolishly or wisely I chose to drive all the way home in sheer agony deciding that I would rather suffer at home than in a Bed and Breakfast. I did the 41/2 hour drive in a little over 3 hours, the worst part was putting petrol in the car where it took longer for me to cross the forecourt than put petrol in. I may complain about living with parents but that's why I was heading home because somebody would be able to look after me. I was now at screaming point in terms of pain and of all the nights for them to go out seperately they had gone out when I needed somebody there. I screamed my way to the front door, there was some relief in going up the stairs, I screamed down the phone to my brother and I sat on my bed screaming as I tried to lift my leg up but couldn't. I bit on the duvet, I grit my teeth, I felt tears of pain, I contorted my mouth in pain, I howled and I cursed. in the end it was my brother who had to come over before either parent got back to try and make me comfortable.

So since Wednesday night I've been bed bound on painkillers with a swollen thigh and constant ice packs. From what I gather it takes at least 3-5 days for the swelling to go down and then another few weeks to recover. Would I go surfing again? I'm not really sure, I wish I wasn't so unlucky with the injury though.

MONDAY - went to another hospital for a check, got an x-ray done, got more painkillers but told it may take up to 6 WEEKS to heal properly!

Parlez vous Francais?

2008-09-06T20:34:00.002+01:00

I have been watching French films recently and I can't seem to get enough of them. Whilst the majority of them are set in Paris there is most definitely a very distinct sensibility going on there that is not apparent in cinema from other countries.

I try to think of English films that have characters that are interesting and stories and make use of the city that they're in but am pretty hard stretched to think of really good films.

The trouble is that although loathe to admit it the English really want to be American, they take their lead from American music and film. The big English film release this week is another Mockney Gangster film from Mr Madonna and when the English try to do character studies inevitably they seem to be in Period costume.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here but I just feel there is a charm that is non-existent in today's film makers whose eye is on the prize of Hollywood. And what English films that do get made have such a limited release that blink and they're gone before you get a chance to see them. For example 'Amelie' one can cannot imagine being created other than in France instead we get 'Four Weddings & A Funeral' or 'Bridget Jones'or the other extreme of 'Trainspotting' where's the middle ground?

What I think about when I think about swimming

2008-08-09T16:23:00.005+01:00

The title of this post comes from a question that I was asked by a friend and in part from the title of the new Haruki Murakami book. As we all know I am prone to sudden bursts of activity in regard to my writing of this blog and after being given an all clear of sorts by a knee specialist I am currently exercising again. My chosen exercise being cycling and swimming.

So what do I think about when I swim?

I think about the tips that I've found and read online about improving my stroke.

I try to remember to keep my elbow high and that I have to learn to breathe on both sides.

Sometimes I think there must be an easier way to get fitter.

I think about how many lengths I've swum and how many I should try and do.

I think about and wish I had more stamina.

I find myself amazed at the women who don't look athletic that become dolphins in the water and swim seemingly without pause up and down the pool.

I think about the girl who was the highlight of going into work everyday for me during the month of May and June this year.

I think about what I hope to be doing in a month's time and why I need to improve my swimming for that.

I think about if I didn't cycle to the pool would I swim quicker and more lengths because my legs haven't been used for cycling.

But best of all is when I don't really think too much at all.

Addendum:

12th August

What with the Olympics I have chosen to try and swim another stroke and since added that to my swim and try to pay attention to the stroke making by the world's best. What do I think when I swim it?

Actually its not as hard as I thought it might be, that I need to try and lay my head back, where is the third roof beam and where is the wall behind me? More often than not I smacked said wall very hard with the back of my forearm!

I also spoke with a swimming instructor about perhaps taking some 1-1 lessons to work on improving my stroke, breathing and overall technique but that will have to wait till he returns from holiday at the end of the month.

Yesterday, (Monday) I surprised myself and found that I enjoyed myself without worrying too much about anything.

Later that day (Part 2)

2008-08-06T23:30:00.007+01:00

My trip to the swimming was uneventful as I cycled along the back way under the cover of trees and behind the back gardens of various houses. Occasionally I'd pass people a business man head down sending a text message, a teenager with a black shirt adorned with flames and a demonic head on the back, couples out walking their dogs, postmen on their bicycles and fellow cyclists.

I bettered my total amount for swimming freestyle lengths but still wondered when I'd get the stamina to do them without so many pauses. I am always amazed at the swimming pool by others who swim length after length of freestyle without pause.

After a brief lunch and a shower I took the train to London with the intention of visiting an exhibition at one of the galleries only to hear the faint sound of my alarm from my chest. I am in possession of a pacemaker with several functions one of which is to detect a build up of fluid in the chest. However this particular model has proven to have various faults with it, the only thing I can compare it to is when the electronic and computer giants rush a new product out and then discover it has a few faults except this is a pacemaker. Surely it would be irresponsible to let a product out before it was perfect but there you have it. So a visit to the hospital replaced my visit to the gallery. The place has become so familiar to me over the past 3 years.

While waiting in the waiting area I discovered that old exhibition catalogues for art exhibitions were now next to the usual old magazines and dog-eared books. I flicked through all of them, there was no pattern to the selection on view but what it did say to me was that there were some bad artists making a living out there getting one person shows. That being the case as long I create then there's probably room enough for one more bad artist in this world.

Then I saw a film called 'Paris', I think one of my great pleasures in life is going to the movies when the cinema is close to being empty. The film was about a dancer who is suddenly diagnosed with a heart problem and for whom a heart transplant may or may not save him. His sister comes to live him with and we watch the lives of those around him unfold as he waits all set in Paris. I did find it interesting and found some parallels to a situation not too dissimilar to one that I had been in.

It had become muggier when I stepped out from the cinema and headed down the street to one of the deadliest places in London for my wallet that is. Fopp is a store that sells Cd's, books and DVD's at prices that can be hard to beat which in turn may be why they found themselves going bust after trying to expand but this first London store still stands. I went in there with the sole intention of seeking an Art Blakely & The Jazz Messengers CD which I did purchase although selecting just one was a little bit tricky. With nothing more than track titles and covers to guide me and a vague knowledge I chose 'A Night in Tunisia'. What little I know of Jazz I do know that I'm going to be in good hands by selecting a Blue Note Rudy Van Gelder Edition. The other purchase which I hadn't gone into the store for was a classic of French cinema by Jean Luc Godard 'A Bout de Souffle' or 'Breathless'.

I wandered up the street stopping to take a quick look in a couple of the big bookstores that stayed open late hoping to find a new release one day early but no such luck. How does that work with books? Do they get delivered the night before for the staff to open on the day of release or do they arrive at the store on the release date? By then my stomach was calling out for food and I stepped back out into the evening that was getting heavier and muggier by the minute. It was the kind of heat that you felt would bring some kind of deluge of rain at some point and it seemed like it might happen sooner than later when a few spots of drizzle started but they were short-lived.

I chose to eat in an American style BBQ restaurant and whilst expensive I did enjoy my meal but realized that I must be getting older since it really seemed like too much food to me. The other thing that bugs me is how expensive beer is when you sit down to eat, restaurants are tripling the price of beer over what you pay in an off license or for my north American readers liquor store.

I tried one more bookstore for the book but they too weren't selling it early. I had started to sweat and went up to the coffee shop and bought a bottle of water. Bookstores are strange places when you don't really have a purchase in mind but also dangerous ones too. I don't know how many paperbacks I own that are still impulse purchases that I mean to read. I left the bookstore and headed on towards the underground station, outside a crowd had gathered to be entertained by a drummer whose drums consisted of upturned plastic containers of various sizes. I passed one hopeful Romeo at the station entrance as a blonde whom he quite obviously had hoped for more from blew him a kiss as she flitted away without a second glance. I felt as if I should tell him that he had no chance and that it wasn't going to happen but thought better of it. The last I saw of him was that he was still standing in the same spot taking a drag on a cigarette watching the space she had inhabited briefly.

I took the train from King Cross and read some more of the current book that I had begun which had sat on my shelf for a very long time and after writing about my day wondered what to do next. Perhaps bed or perhaps another movie on DVD or a little reading of one more chapter.

I woke from a strange dream

2008-08-06T09:21:00.008+01:00

I woke from a strange dream where it was if I was a fly on the wall despite being in the room with three girls they all carried on about their business as if I wasn't there. They talked of being unhappy with their current boyfriends, joked about kissing each other and what to wear. When they did acknowledge me it was playfully but it was if they were talking right through me. I was the barely visible man in fact I was probably transparent just a faint essence in the room. It wasn't the greatest feeling in the world to rise to and melancholy filled me right from the get go.

This was further compounded by seeing that the object of my desire had added a friend of mine onto her Facebook account but had yet to accept me as one. Now such trivial matters should not hurt but they do and it did bother me. After all rejection is rejection and no matter what spin you put on it, it hurts and you wonder why?

I felt as if I was alone that morning and passed the minutes by mentally calculating when I'd be able to ride to the pool. There was no denying that the swimming had started to melt away some of the fat around my midriff and combined with the cycling was hopefully making me fitter. Yet I'd go and push myself that little bit harder trying to swim more of one stroke than the other, the total laps of breaststroke and freestyle didn't matter so much but I was aiming to steadily improve the number of freestyle lengths and shorten the rest times between laps. I'm not sure that I enjoyed it so much as it was a way to use up a couple of hours in my day and for me to try and close off the outside world and my anxieties.

Despite seeing friends briefly on Monday and even exchanging a few messages with another I still felt empty. Perhaps that was heightened by the music that I listened too which stung of melancholy for various films over the composer's career. I was yet again listless and had been thinking about the job rejections of last year and wondering why I had fallen short. It's not good to dwell on the past yet here I was caught in the trap and feeling unhappiness over the situation again.

I glanced about me and saw all the accumulated paper, bills, newspapers, books, forms, leaflets, appointment letters. What was I looking for in all of these? Answers? Knowledge? Peace of mind? Inspiration? It's hard not knowing in some respect what to do with your day when you have nowhere to go. Time can be passed easily but often there is a nagging feeling of unease and dissatisfaction at being alone that very often trails behind occasionally tugging at your arm or flicking your ear to remind you.

I wanted to go and travel but part of me knew that what monies I did have should be kept since there were no current job prospects lined up in my near future well nothing concrete at least. I still had the option to become a student at the end of September and this was beginning to look more and more like an attractive proposition. The hardest thing despite my protestations was the inner conflict over whether I actually wanted to stay and work in the film industry. A wise friend told me if I was to leave then it must be with no regrets and to walk away without looking back. It truly was a love and hate affair that I was having with the industry. I'd long for it but when I got there it wasn't all that I hoped and I'd swore that that was it but here I was wondering about work again.

It would be ten thirty soon enough and then I would ride my bicycle to the pool and swim some lengths before returning to spend my day half heartedly wondering what and where I was going to be in my life.

Content

2008-08-02T21:53:00.010+01:00

Last week I went on one of my wanderings and visited Yorkshire Sculpture park.

Primarily I went because I hadn't been there and also because there is an exhibition of Isamu Noguchi's work for the first time in Europe. I had heard of Noguchi but had never really looked at his work nor read about him.

What I found was sculpture that in some cases just really did something to me, unfortunately the ones that I particulary like were indoors and photography wasn't allowed. I was almost reduced to tears by the work which is something that has never happened before. Somehow or for some reason the work spoke to me and touched me. Also some of his aims and beliefs struck me as something that I could identify in myself. I even took a picture of the board and if you read it, those of you that know me will probably find which bits I identified with. Hopefully some of you will google him and see some of pictures of his work.

Even wandering around the park by myself didn't seem lonely and now 5 days later I've started to realize that there in the grounds I felt some sort of contentment. I was actually at ease with myself and my environment in a strange park surrounded by sculpture and strangers all there to look as well perhaps it was the complete lack of threat in the atmosphere as well as the sun shining.

There is also a Noguchi museum in Long Island, New York and in Japan although quite a few pieces are currently at the Yorkshire Sculpture Park.

NOTE: A week has since passed and I am back to my old ways of trying to gee myself up this week.

A Life More Ordinary

2008-08-02T20:34:00.002+01:00

Sometimes, I wonder about the people around me and what it would be to more like them, not all of them but some of them. Perhaps this will sound arrogant or snobby but sometimes the ordinary people in the supermarket walking around as couples or as families seem very appealing. My assumptions might be wrong but nevertheless I wonder why aren't I in a couple. The answer to that is probably that I really don't make any effort to pursue women anymore and I partly feel like I missed my window of opportunity there are other reasons too but that's a whole another post.

What if I didn't have fanciful notions of a career in film or my non starting career as an artist? If I had a job or a trade that I went to everyday and had found a nice ordinary girl to settle down who would like going to the movies, holidays and meals. I'd feel secure in the knowledge that I'd be going to work on Monday that the week ends on Friday and that I have my mortgage to pay.

But you know what then I'd be worrying about my mortgage, complaining my nice ordinary girl is too nice and ordinary.

It would be nice to have a base of operations that I could call my own but then I don't even know where that could be at the moment...

The past week

2008-08-01T22:10:00.003+01:00

24th July, Saw 'The Dark Knight' it was good but way too long.
Cycle, Swum 30 Lengths

25th July, Tate Modern, London.
Attended birthday drinks for all of 5 minutes no single girls in the party
and poor bar service should have stayed at the Tate.

26th July, Cycle, Swum 24 L

27th July, Cycle, Swum 22 L, Cycle to Bushy park saw deer!
Bowling.
Moved out from Shepperton.

28th July, Anti-coagulation Clinic
Drive north to Wakefield, Yorkshire.

29th July, Go to Yorkshire Sculpture Park discovered Isamu Noguchi's work and am
astonished and feel a sense of understanding.
Drive onto Whitby, Yorkshire.

30th July, Walk 199 steps to Whitby Abbey impressed by the ruins, fish and chip lunch with friend from north followed by
afternoonn stroll and ice cream.
Drive back to Hertfordshire.

31st July, Cycle, Swum 30 Lengths

1st August, Bowling am
Cycle, Swum 30 Lengths.
Discover puncture will repair tomorrow.

Trips

2008-07-24T16:40:00.002+01:00

Aside from every airline and every hotel deciding to double their prices for August I really feel like going on a trip somewhere.

I've been investigating places that I've been and places that I haven't been.

However, its the accomodation issue that's a bummer...

Also do I want a relaxing time in a city or time on a beach?

Discontent

2008-07-17T19:30:00.002+01:00

'So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention'

Coldplay - 'Shiver'

This is why I try not to fall for people...its awful thinking about somebody that you like but knowing they're not interested in you is the pits.

Is it better to deny having those feeling of attraction so as not to feel the terribleness of wondering what they're doing, where they're going and wishing they were here by your side? You say her name in your head, you whisper her name under your breath.

You ride up the escalator and see a couple going down and you wish it was you and the girl that you want.

So instead you try to find ways to take your mind off her and in some ways you wish you'd never met her because then you wouldn't have to think about her.

On a positive I suppose it means I'm human and that I am not a cyborg without feelings.

;)

Broken Record

2008-07-01T16:51:00.004+01:00

I'm still stuck in the same place that I've been stuck since this blog begun.

I've still not realized what I want to do and still haven't what I want to do or where I'm meant to be or want to be.

To quote: 'I don't know what I'm supposed to be' and the terrible thing is I'm not so young anymore with age has come apprehension and caution.

Wow, its 4 years since this thing begun...

I've read about people breaking up, falling in love, winning, graduating, watched them grow up, seen travel pictures, I've even done the same through friendships here...

I love this picture

2008-06-29T00:08:00.005+01:00

I was in a traffic jam.

Who or what would inspire you to write a message on a motorway/freeway bridge?

Things I miss from my 20's

2008-06-11T21:58:00.003+01:00

When I look back on my twenties there are a couple of things that I no longer have or would like to find again.

I'm acutely aware that I used to possess that belief that I could do anything that I wanted to and would motivate myself to do what I could to achieve that. Or was it that I was more determined and slightly more ambitious.

From a personal point of view and the reason for this post was that I miss those long conversations that I would find with girls that would go on all night and into the early hours. Those long conversations that ramble where you're in simpatico totally and utterly. Of course most of you will cite 'Before Sunrise' or 'Lost in Translation' as movies that come close to showing that sort of situation.

Or maybe I'm just lonely and the past is the past and I have to learn how to live for today and not look to the past.

I'm looking for mental intimacy with another...

And now what?

2008-06-11T20:33:00.003+01:00

Well, the return to work was short lived as they make cuts myself and my senior saw the set we were assigned to being cut right out and with it the two of us. This happened yesterday and while far worse things have happened to me in the last three years it is a sorry state of affairs.

Whilst admittedly I may not have been having the time of my life in terms of the job I was glad to have a routine and interacting with my colleagues. i'd moved out and found it liberating being in a shared house but now I'm not so sure where to go. I moved here because of the job and truth be told its not somewhere you'd choose to be. It's a nice enough village but there isn't a lot to do.

I may have a lead for another job starting up soon but in the meantime I know that I have 4 days of work left.

I hope all of you out there are well and have keep yourselves out of trouble and have been inspired.

Whilst I realize that life is not predictable and can throw up all sorts of surprises at you, it would be nice if there could be just a small modicum of security in feeling or fooling oneself into feeling a bit more secure about the way things might work out.

So in the past week...

2008-05-17T02:23:00.002+01:00

I became an uncle to a niece, I have 'Uncle Buck' on DVD as a future instructional dvd.

I completed one week back in the workplace in film.

And I bowled 200 last Sunday and rolled a 171 tonight (Friday) as well as two lower scores of 121 and 117.

200

2008-05-13T22:51:00.002+01:00

200, not posts but the score I got on Sunday in bowling.

That was one of my aims for the year and I got it!

Now I'll have to set a new target or at least get close again.

I've now been back at work for 2 days and thats been alright so far.

End of the season

2008-05-06T10:28:00.003+01:00

Well, the football season is about to end here in England and Liverpool secured their 4th place but not a trophy. The biggest positive was Fernando Torres who completely tore up the form book that says foreign players need a season to adapt to playing in a new league. That he should score as many goals as he did without taking free kicks or penalties is amazing but unfortunately he got overshadowed by another player.

Liverpool's chance at going to Moscow wasn't helped by a header of incredible misfortune/incompetence/foolishness, please insert the word of your choice.

I've now moved to a house nearer to work, yes you read that correctly. The relief that came with being told that I had a job and that somebody wanted to employ me was immense. so that will all kick off soon.

Is looking for work like dating?

2008-04-13T21:51:00.002+01:00

You know or at least most of the time when you're wasting your time in the pursuit of somebody and when its time to give up the ghost. Although there are some schools of thought that insist persistence is the key and will win you the job or the girl.

Its rare in life that is exasperation that anybody would ask another person 'Am I wasting my time here?'. I don't think I've ever done it either although I've felt like asking many times.

You can gild the lily and elaborate upon what you have or what you present to try and get what you want. Ultimately it might just come down to personality or is still ability?

Its probably not just one thing that decides such things but I gotta know 'Am I wasting my time here?.

Finding your place

2008-04-07T09:58:00.002+01:00

"A normal man? For me, a normal man is one who turns his head to see a beautiful woman's bottom. The point is not just to turn your head. There are five or six reasons. And he is glad to find people who are like him, his equals. That's why he likes crowded beaches, football, the bar downtown..."

from 'Il Conformista' (1970)

For a little too long now I have felt little more than an observer from afar of life and detached from it all.

I think everybody wants to be SOMEBODY to somebody at times with a head full of doubts I feel like a nobody. A father is a SOMEBODY to his children, a WIFE is SOMEBODY to her husband, an employee is SOMEBODY to an EMPLOYER. What is my role or how can I become more of a SOMEBODY.

Perhaps there is an element of naivete in my viewpoint or romanticism?

What do you think?

Move on

2008-03-29T16:05:00.003Z

I have so much time to reflect on what has been and wish that I could just move on. What I do know is that I had a life that wasn't going too badly for a while there it looked as if I had the beginnings of a career but I got ill and when I came back new faces had arrived. The new faces were younger, faster and more enthusiastic.

I believe that I lost a certain something be it a joie de vivre when I went through it all. Is there a trade off somewhere? I know that my passion and drive and enthusiasm for my past career has greatly diminished and now I don't know where to direct my energies.

When I think about this blog and its entries I realize that the overriding factor is the search for something. I am looking for meaning to my existence instead of just getting out there and experiencing things.

If the post is confused imagine how I feel! ;)

It's like the second coming of teenage angst.

Birthday

2008-03-23T00:47:00.005Z

Another year and the number changes and I am greeted by snow on this birthday which disappeared by 4 pm.

If that's confusing imagine how the animals must feel outside! 'Shit, gotta grow my winter fur, wait a minute...' or 'Do I hibernate now?'

Liverpool fell disappointingly on my birthday to the current leaders and likely champions.

Disappointingly I didn't get any messages from anybody here by phone at although various web friends were paying much more attention.

Well life is full of disappoints but lets not dwell on these otherwise it gets too dark and gloomy here.

Drifting apart

2008-03-17T12:40:00.002Z

I've noticed in other people's recent writings too that in real life or our experiences of it that people have started to drift apart. People that we held dear or thought held us dear have become distant and less inclined to take up invitations to see you or to speak to you.

I suppose we've been guilty of it all ourselves even on here where the impetus to write and share and communicate with others has waned somewhat or it has in my case where I find myself visiting less and less.

I guess we can't see everybody after all as everybody says we all have our own lives and our own problems but still it is disappointing when people pass on invitations or disappear.

Sometimes it seems like friendship is like a revolving door, people come around occasionally pop out on your side or other times just keep on going around and you hear what they're doing but then they're gone.

(heh, I originally wrote 'poop' out)

Some of my typos are more revealing than I realize, this one some will attest is probably most apt.

"Right, I'm off to be."

(What I meant was "Right, I'm off to bed.")

Ramble

2008-03-09T02:20:00.003Z

Right, then that's what this will be, a rambling freeform spontaneous say what I feel kind of a post.

I feel as if there is something great brewing inside of me just how that will manifest itself I am not entirely sure but it will be a script or a book or a painting. I'm not sure what it'll be about but feel I am hopefully gaining inspiration from reading and looking and watching. I just hope that I can channel all these outside influences without creating a pastiche of influences.

I am continuing to find pleasure in watching Torres and Gerrard play brilliant football between themselves, they just need to get their teammates to stop watching like we spectators and contribute too. There is poetry and fluidity and creativity in football and you never know when that might be but its worth the wait of 90 minutes for me. i marveled at Torres and Gerrard's interplay today against Newcastle. Torres flicking the ball onto Gerrard's head and then speeding off into space as Gerrard played the ball through diagonally with his left foot. The brilliance of Torres in letting the ball run past himself and the advancing goalkeeper and his pace to shift across to slide the ball in.

I'm not sure why I enjoy ten pin bowling perhaps because its something I can do by myself or with company. There is satisfaction though in rolling a strike and making your spares if you miss your strike. Perhaps its the short burst of concentration or the striving for perfection but it appeals to me. Learning to and knowing where you want to roll the ball and then trying to achieve that while sounding simple is not but I enjoy that challenge.

I do want to travel but while I have so many destinations in mind I do not actually seem to be doing anything about going. I know in part this is due to noyt wanting to go on my own. Although at times I do prefer to travel alone or want to go to places by myself, its a strange line between wanting to be alone and feeling lonely.

So far if my interests were to be judged by the amount of text on each it looks as if football is winning.

More of Moore

2008-03-02T11:33:00.001Z

Moore, Moore, Moore

2008-02-29T00:30:00.002Z

I went to Kew Gardens for the first time yesterday and ended up spending three hours wandering around...

I didn't even see everything and while those who love flowers and fauna are catered for in the greenhouses I went for the Henry Moore sculptures.

I found them inspiring and loved seeing them and being able to move around them and touch then and feel the contours. I have so many pictures with the fading light as well as the sunshine.

I walked so much yesterday carrying a heavy artbook that I'd bought earlier but it wasn't until later the same evening that I really felt my legs going.

I haven't been that impressed as I was with some of those sculptures for a longtime but I think the success of the exhibition is in the outdoor nature and the sheer scale of some of the pieces which are big! The fact that you could touch the pieces and see them surrounded by natural forms probably enhanced the experience too.

Other things that continue to surprise and impress me is Miles Davis...I have a jazz smart playlist on shuffle on my itunes with 321 tracks and invariably I don't know all of them but when I check to see something I like it seems more often than not to be Miles Davis.

More sculpture pics soon!

Clash

2008-02-26T17:24:00.001Z

Why do times and dates conspire to clash against me!

An open evening for postgraduate studies and the 2nd Leg of the Champions League.

Why does this shit happen?! Grrrr.

Teaching old dogs new tricks

2008-02-17T22:17:00.002Z

This is related to the post below...in my case if I'm interested in something then I want to know how to do it better.

If I'm not interested I find it hard to get into the subject and despite knowing that I may need to, I don't. Is that my inner child saying 'no!' with the pouty mouth?

If I think back on the times that I have done well learning something it has been because I was interested and enjoyed the way it was taught.

I think respect for the teacher and the methods go along way to learning a new 'trick' but if you find it hard to build a rapport with the teacher then the subject will not go in because you can't maintain a flexible approach.

How was learning to everybody else? Were the best teachers stern or ones that found ways to raise interest and enthusiasm or is all down to the application of each particular student?

Stubborness

2008-02-14T22:11:00.002Z

Is there a point where you stop learning or rather stop wanting to learn or just become selective in how you want to spend your time.

Are there certain things that just can't be learned or taught?

Learning because you have to and not because you want to, is that the whole child and school conflict?

We have to learn the things we don't want to out of necessity of survival?

Happy Valentines Day?

2008-02-14T11:10:00.000Z

Or is that lusting day? Or seeking affection day? Whatever...

Artist=Autistic=Narcissist?

2008-02-11T21:27:00.000Z

In my never ending question asking I put the following forward. Is a artist in some respect autistic in that their means of communication can only be through their chosen medium and when they are truly involved in making their art they sometimes become immersed in that endeavor.

However, where they differ from a true autistic person is the narcissistic aspect of creation because it seeks some sort of approval from others to merit its existence.Is the value of art only that when it has been seen by others who then appraise it and purchase it or extol its virtues to others.

The act of painting oneself in a self-portrait is that the act of a narcissist or a cry for help or a way of trying to tell the world about oneself? In the case of Van Gogh was he advertising his art or himself as a person or both? A self portrait is a CV of oneself and ones work but do you try to show yourself heroically or create an image of how you perceive yourself or how you would like the world to perceive yourself?

Portraiture is still a highly valued after all there is a gallery dedicated to it in London and it still held in high esteem to have ones portrait 'done'. Is there more honesty in the nuances of perception through the control and manipulation of paint than just lighting and photography?

Oh so many places!

2008-02-01T02:44:00.000Z

There are places and people that I want to see and meet but where should I go?

Some of these places I've been before and some I haven't.

In no particular order these are the places where I know at least one person if not more...

1) New York
2) Los Angeles
3) San Francisco
4) Boston
5) Melbourne
6) Tokyo
7) Rome
8) Vancouver
9) Athens
10) Reykjavik

Then places I haven't been but might want to but don't know people...

1) Dublin
2) Madrid
3) Barcelona
4) Hong Kong
5) New Zealand

Maybe I should just put the list in a hat...not a bad idea come to think of it...

Los Angeles, San Francisco and Vancouver could be done in one trip.

New York is a trip in itself.

Melbourne and Tokyo could be done in one go.

Am I brave enough to go where nobody knows my name...?

Six

2008-01-29T21:33:00.000Z

From DevilMood to me,

The Rules:
- Link to the person that tagged you.
- Post the rules on your blog.
- Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
- Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
- Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

1) I have no idea what I want to do with myself.

2) I hated the smell of frying mushrooms and the taste as a child but have now grown out of that to a degree. I still don't like the smell of button mushrooms frying but like exotic mushrooms fried in olive oil with pancetta, garlic and parsley.

3) Three is the number I wore when I played football as a 10 year old for my school. I played left back despite being right footed but learned to kick with my left foot reasonably well.

4) I don't think I'm meant to be in England but am.

5) Apparently I was bi-lingual speaking Japanese and English until the age of four and then I started school.

6) I have been stuck wondering what to do with myself for 17 years.

I'm tagging:

- Stephanie in Australia.

- Pandave in NYC.

- b in her new place.

- chloe in Greece.

- steph in Brighton because we don't hear anything.

- gimchi in Florida.

Not quite finished

2008-01-28T13:20:00.001Z

Self Portrait, 2008

The canvas is actually square and I'm still not happy with the background...

It's not even February

2008-01-28T01:42:00.000Z

It's not even February and I feel like I'm in a rut.

Oh, those things that I say I have to do and mean to do have not been started.

The things that you know you should do but don't want to do.

Perhaps I'm still emotionally a teenager.

I really had thought that I'd be settled into what I'd want to be doing but that's not the case at the moment...still.

It's quite bizarre to look over the entries of the past two years and to see what I had to say this time then.

Joyless

2008-01-27T19:14:00.000Z

Where do you find joy?

Is it like love and it can't be bought?

Letters

2008-01-26T21:22:00.000Z

Are Blog entries somewhat like letters?

Are they the letters we would write to somebody if we could?

For some long phone calls will suffice and perhaps no Blog entry or even a Blog would occur to them.

Our thoughts and observations and on how we perceive the world would in the past have been kept as a journal or a diary or perhaps even sent as a letter.

Except here we can experience an almost instant feedback and reply and possible answer to our thoughts and observations.

Demons

2008-01-25T18:26:00.000Z

People talk about 'personal demons', I wonder where and when this first came into existence. I'm sure if I look it up I could find out.

Today has been strange I can feel myself sinking into self-pity and can quite honestly say 'I'm not happy'.

What is the cause? A mixture of things I think, the pain in my left knee and thigh probably doesn't help, the weather dropping in temperature (how would I cope in Canada!) the lack of job prospects, the lack of motivation and interest in trying to understand the software that people are starting to use at work, being suddenly dropped from other people's Facebook Friends lists for no reason that I know of, not feeling like I'm connecting with people, realizing that other than work I don't actually have much in common with alot of people, that I feel somewhat isolated here because I don't know anybody locally.

That'll do for now, now what I should do is look at the list and try to tackle each item one by one and try to resolve them.

Supplemental:

I am very fortunate that I have a comfortable place to live and that I can feed myself but sometimes the blues just hit me.

'Most cynics are really crushed romantics: they've been hurt, they're sensitive, and their cynicism is a shell that's protecting this tiny, dear part in them that's still alive.' - Jeff Bridges

Join the world!

2008-01-18T02:13:00.000Z

I need to get out there and to actually spend more time with people.

I'm spending too much time in my own company again.

I enjoy art but need to spend time around others who want to create too.

I feel that sometimes creativity stems from being around others who are creating too, creativity feeds into itself. Inspiration comes from others creative impulses perhaps this is why art schools exist or Van Gogh wanted to start a commune at some point artists need others to inspire them.

Where these notions come from I'm not entirely sure probably from an over active mind that has spent too much time on its own trying to work out why it's spent in its own company.

Right now though I'm still experiencing a great deal of pain where a tooth used to be. Through neglect and probably from drinking tea with one sugar, one tooth which was already bad decided to pack it in and so I had it pulled.

Its now 0220am GMT and so I shall try to go to sleep and not worry about not being the man I'd like to be or where I should live or would like to live or like to be doing with my time.

AMENDMENT:

22/01/08

I have started painting a picture (actually started a few days ago)

I am seeing people tomorrow.

2007 in Review

2008-01-01T01:25:00.000Z

Taken from Devil Mood's Blog but with different answers.

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
Went to Boston, St Ives and Padstow.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
It seems I didn't make any and haven't thought about it.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nah.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
United States of America.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
More confidence.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Got to go to Fenway Park and saw Beckett win one of his 20 and Okajima get and award and close the game out.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Saying 'f*** it' and going to Boston.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Failing interview after interview for work.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing additional to what's been before.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane ticket.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I guess my brother's wedding.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Attitude of potential employers who don't call to let you know where you stand.
Liverpool's Champions League Final Performance.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Books and DVDs.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I'd like to get really, really, really excited about something.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Again the years have blurred an so I can't recall.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
Not happy not sad definitely fatter and richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Painting, learning.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Wondering what the hell to do with myself and not doing enough to change things.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At home.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
No.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Probably 'Heroes'.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I wouldn't say hate but there a couple of people who I now realize are not honest people.

24. What was the best book you read?
Confused about when I read certain things but read Murakami shorts and latest novel.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Alexi Murdoch. Jim's Big Ego.

26. What did you want and get?
-

27. What did you want and not get?
Despite thinking and saying I didn't really want it, I really did want them...couple of film jobs.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
'Bourne Ultimatum' and rediscovering 'The Big Lebowski' on DVD.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
35 and went to Tate Modern and ate Tapas afterwards.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If things had fallen into place.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
T-shirts and jeans.

32. What kept you sane?
Hah.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Never thought about it.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Think there are issues in the Middle East that will never be resolved and it disappoints me that they can't be.

35. Who did you miss?
There are people who appeared on Facebook that I realize I have missed.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Boston crew.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
I need to learn to fake happy and enthusiatic.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning
Actually it's more like most of the time
But every now and then when I'm sleeping
I still have a dream that I'm flying

Alexi Murdoch 'Dream about Flying'

The Future

2007-12-29T17:02:00.000Z

Well, I finally got some work on a picture for a couple of months, got paid under rate and went from fear and loathing to moments of not exactly euphoria but times where I almost enjoyed myself (but don't tell everyone!) Now I'm back to looking for the next!

I know that if I am to continue in this area I will need to learn and find some sort of enthusiasm for using CAD software. I no longer possess the drive to learn by myself but with the proper tuition I'm sure it could happen. In that respect perhaps I am like a dog or a small child who needs a pat on the head when I get it right.

I have started to think that I need to get back to writing fiction and or scripts again. For a while in my twenties that's what I wanted to do then I got sidetracked into another aspect of film making.

The test will be making these intentions become reality by actually actively finding, pursuing and doing these things.

Along those lines I have started contemplating internet dating again but while I enjoy looking at all the profiles I just can't see myself going through the whole process of finding a restaurant, bar etcetera which kinda defeats the purpose of dating. So in the meantime we'll put that one on the backburner.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2007-12-23T01:05:00.000Z

Well, I'm now unemployed again.

Such fun...

And so it's Christmas.

I shall be around.

In the meantime everybody have a great time!

Of imperfection or why don't people build things properly anymore

2007-11-29T22:22:00.000Z

I've had two new electronic products for just over a year but both have faults. It seems in their rush to bring out the latest things, manufacturers are no longer creating goods to last. Perhaps they are but it is quite disappointing to find goods that are meant to be the 'latest thing' being the things that develop fault. Hopefully I can resolve both issues tomorrow and be electronically satisfied.

Work has become busy but with one final push it will be done and then the holidays and probably time to look for another job. I'm not sure if I've become workshy or am just plain lazy but I really think I can take it or leave it in regard to this particular job. Or I just have a really short attention span. Alas life does allow one to do as one pleases and i shall have to sort myself out.

Torres continues to impress at Liverpool while the manager battles with the owners over moneies for new players. To think Torres already has 10 goals in all competitions and we're only just starting December is a pretty good return for a first season.

I'm still around but with little time during the week and far fewer adventures to mention hence the absence.

Remiss

2007-11-16T21:47:00.000Z

I know I haven't been as attentive to you all or to my blog and for that I apologize.

I've been out working for the last month at my old occupation and I'm not entirely convinced that I really want to be doing it forever but its good to have the money come in.

So far I've lost two people I hired to a big film, I suppose I can take solace in the fact that I've been choosing the right personnel if a big film needs to take my staff! FCUKERS!

I went to Anfield (Nov 10th) again to see Liverpool v Fulham again! I seem to this fixture the most, I don't know if its because the game came so soon after the 8-0 victory but there was an air expectation that slowly became one of frustration. I think the players were tired and guess what despite the criticism maybe rotation is the best policy. The match was redeemed by the introduction of Fernando Torres and there is definitely something special there. He was a class above everybody else playing up front.

While I work I've been lodging at a house closer to the studio and so internet access is somewhat limited hence the sporadic posts.

Writing and Reading

2007-10-26T23:45:00.000+01:00

I have loads of notebooks from over the years and while I find that I have been repeating myself as if I am asking the same questions, I know that I still haven't found the answers that I'm looking for.

Recently I've been reading books in a different way or rather I keep a piece of paper at the back and note the page number when I find a turn of phrase that I think expresses that longing or a possible answer to the questions that I have.

Perhaps I am looking for answers but also find a pleasure in the recognition of an emotion or sensation or experience in the act or deeds of another.

I have a strange aversion towards reading fiction by female authors almost as if I won't be able to identify with the characters that they have written because they are not men themselves. Whilst not a strict rule it is one that I seem curiously to stick to.

My intake of fiction also goes through various spurts of reading to periods where I will stop or read parts of Art books again maintaining the habit of noting interesting passages by the page number. Again this interest in art and the process I think is tied to this quest for answers.

There are certain writers of whom I will read their books as soon as they are published but I am overwhelmed by the sheer volume of books that often I don't know where to start in the fiction department.

I have friends who feel I should consider pursuing some sort of writing but I don't have a story to tell at this moment in time.

I'm not sure if this is the kind of thing that I'm meant to be writing in regard to being tagged but I did enjoy giving it some thought.

What I do know about blogging is that I enjoy the process when in the case of this post I have made this text up as I go along like a freeform ramble.

Bad Blogger

2007-10-16T23:08:00.000+01:00

I'm afraid I have not attended to my Blog nor have I been attending the Blogs of others.

The funny thing is I do wonder what you've all been doing every now and then.

And I know I should check in and see what's surprised you, pleased you and amused you.

Some of you I have on Facebook and others I wouldn't mind adding if you'll let me.

Tired now but will hopefully write properly soon.

Not so interesting - it's all about me.

2007-10-06T22:56:00.000+01:00

I know one should not compare one's achievement or lack of or life with others but we invariably do so.

I really have not been doing anything of interest that warrants a blog nor reading by my few visitors.

I rarely date keeping myself to myself mainly believing that nobody could actually be interested in somebody that has no real job nor lives in a place of his own at his age.

I enjoy finding myself in works by other people because it means I'm not the only one. What I mean by that is recognizing a situation in a book or drama as one that I agree with or might experienced too.

I don't think I'm as clever as people tell me and don't trust those that say that I am.

I am not that clever or else I wouldn't be unemployed.

I am not as motivated nor inspired as I half remember being.

I do wonder what went wrong and where I lost my way.

I realize that I repeat myself and not finding new ways to change my situation.

I am still looking for answers but have i found the right questions to ask?

Up and Running

2007-10-01T21:12:00.000+01:00

Well, I'm back online now.

Do all of you have the latest 'rooster' for better WiFi connections? This is what my father thought a router was called, really.

Things are still not quite falling into place in terms of finding a life that I can call my own and be satisfied with.

There is way too much self-analysis going on here but in the meantime I'll try to come up with more on here and start reaqquainting myself with those of you still here.

Things I've been enjoying or enjoyed:

1) Playing Scrabble on Facebook.
2) Seeing Torres adapt to the Premiership.
3) The Bourne Ultimatum.
4) I'm sure there's more but I can't be bothered to think too much right now.

Of periodic observations

2007-09-17T18:33:00.000+01:00

Actually, the house itself is good we inherited a pond and many fish from the previous owner. Although I have discovered that fish food is expensive!

Still not online properly yet though so this comes yet again from a cafe in on a high street. This one is around the corner from The Emirates stadium which was very impressive as the train that I came in on went past.

I don't believe it but Liverpool open their Champions League campaign tomorrow and I'll be in Evening class!

Hopefully soon I'll be online again and able to spend longer or to tell more or show pictures.

Till then hope you're all having fun!

What is this place?

2007-09-08T13:12:00.000+01:00

Well, I have moved again to my parents new home.

The house and the street so far seem very quiet and nice.

The town centre if it can be called that is the pits of the world.

Boarded up store fronts and a basic lack of shops, lots of shops selling plastic tubs and pots.

This is the kind of town Morrissey would sing about being destroyed.

It is a concrete extension of a housing estate essentially which is surprising considering at some point this town must have been quite wealthy in the past considering the size of the country house here.