Saturday morning musings...

Is it all about love?

Is love what really keeps us going? Is love that which inspires us? Is it love that we all strive for in our lives?

If it's not in our lives we live our lives in hope that we may find it.

It seems to be the thing that everybody is looking for and is a multi million pound/dollar/yen industry...the notion of love and contentment is what ties us to this earthly realm.

Plastic surgery and anti-ageing are done for vanity to maintain our appearance for 'love' or the chance to find love.

Is love different from intimacy ot is intimacy a vital ingredient in the make-up of love?

I think about the films and the fiction that I have read and ultimately all characters are looking for love.

Take 'Good Will Hurting' for example he needs a paternal figure to show one kind of love and resolves his life on a note of optimism and off Will goes onto an open road because he has to 'go see about a girl'.

Or The Beatles...how many songs have 'love' in the title...'Love me do', 'P.S. I love you', 'All you need is Love'...

Is it love that we are looking for?

Is love a cure to all ills? Does it make the world a better place?

Is this the human condition?

There is another?

I have applied for a job that I found advertised in a national newspaper and have a preliminary interview set up for Monday.

It's not necessarily something that I would have considered in the past but with my rising disenchantment with the fickle nature of the entertainment business and a 3 strike count, I guess I applied in a fit of pique.

If I look back upon my attempts at getting work in film over the past couple of years I've had three interviews and had three strikes. And not good strikes like in bowling rather three strikes like in baseball whereby you're out!

I'm quite impressed with myself of this little bit of momentum that I have built of late...an interview every other week...

'We'll keep your details on file'

'We'll keep your details on file.'

In other words "We're not interested in you.'

But what really pisses me off is that I had to phone them to find this out.

Can't they show some good manners and a little class by at least letting me know either on the phone or for the truly faint hearted by email.

35 years old!

I can't believe it but it is so.

I turned 35 on Friday...it seems the older I get the less fussed I am about my birthday, I kind of treat it with a sneer as I curse the things I haven't got or done in the past year.

Knowing full well that was likely to be my typical birthday I suddenly decided to try to change that and got hold of two friends who at short notice were available for dinner. I looked at some paintings in Tate Modern (I think I'm going at least once a month on average this year so far) and then went off for Tapas with the afore mentioned friends which was good.

I had a birthday text from somebody I've kept in touch with but haven't seen for many years which was a nice surprise that they remembered.

I wasn't too surprised not to hear anything from my 'friends/colleagues/competitors' since they're mainly looking after No. 1 i.e themselves! Fcukers! ;)

Somebody did sing me 'Happy Birthday' down the phone as a message on my mobile which was great too.

I didn't hear about the job.

Saturday will be the out for dinner with the family somewhere if we can organize our asses...

'We want to see more...'

Hmmm, this job interview process is weird.

Now, they'd like to see more things presumably different from what they've seen but closer to their aesthetic.

I don't think I really have the kind of 'other' work that they are hoping to see but I've sent off some bits and pieces.

Oh well...

Then there is hope...

Monday got a phonecall.

Wednesday had an interview.

Now...waiting to hear...

What happens to our 'art'?

During our lifetimes we will all create pictures for school or at home growing up and some will be kept by proud parents then we get older.

We'll still continue our art practices during our teenage years but then there comes a cut-off point where we stop.

But art, craft and hobbystores persist and we all still have some sort of need to create...the impulse is still there a lot less in others but still there.

But what happens to all those attempts at art during our lifetime some pieces get thrown away, others kept for sentimental reasons, some given to friends and some just a personal expression for yourself.

Is it the physical act of doing of trying to express how you feel about something or someone that is the thing?

For some the expression is through music, poetry or other forms of writing...

Not too sure what i'm saying or asking here perhaps nothing but just rambling.

Is going away really the best way to find yourself?

There seem to be different schools of thought on this...there are those that believe a holiday or a trip is a good way to reset the mechanism, a way to reboot the system and to gain a fresh perspective.

Another thought is that while you may go have a great time the problems that you leave behind for two or three weeks will still be there when you get back.

Or do some people purge their problems and leave them in a foreign land...

Do people have to travel halfway around the world to find themselves?

I am suffering from this general sense of malaise and of being at odds with myself and my place in the world. It sounds very melodramatic but I really don't know what I'm supposed to be. I used to be much more sure of what it was I wanted to do professionally and where it would and could take me but now I'm not so sure. And what would I do instead? Well if I knew I'd be working towards that but I don't know.

The only thing I do know is that I don't know.

There are times where I do wish for the conventional ideal of being in love and having a family but know this is probably not for me while I continue to struggle with finding comfort within myself and where and what I'm supposed to be doing.

Then if I'm lucky I may be able to immerse myself into sonething even for an hour or two where I won't find myself thinking such thoughts...

Perhaps, I just need to explore even more of the places that i go to already...I find myself walking the same streets and visiting the same restaurants and shops maybe change and variety would be good...

I devote to much time to trying to think my way out of things rather than devoting time to doing things that might help me work things out.

Maybe I just need a really, really big sign telling me which way to go...


SUNDAY ADDITION:

I realise everybody has problems and it's not just me and maybe I should give everybody a break and that's it's not all about me but I sure as hell wish I knew and felt a bit more sure about things...

No real change...

Rather alarmingly I have just looked at my post from April 2005 and I'm still in the same place so much for evolution or revolution.

Talk about being stuck.

Mind you April 2006 does have some unusual and not so unusual activity too.


AMENDMENT:

I still have two weeks before April to see if it can be a different April.

I'm surprised I didn't blog about one of the greatest comeback victories in Champions League finals when my team won it for a 5th time in Istanbul!

It's passing by

There are things I want to do but I'm failing to execute.

I know what I want, its knowing how to get these things that's proving to be elusive.

I need to act more than thinking about the things that I want to do.

'Computer says...'

On Tuesday I did a computer test which would provide a list of careers that based upon my answers I should consider.

As some of the more frequent visitors to this little space in the wide world of Interwebbing I am going through a minor crisis of whether or not to stick it out working freelance in entertainment.

Wanna know what the computer said?

Hotel Manager? Rocket Scientist? Zookeeper? Soldier of Fortune?

Nope the number one recommended job for me...

What I'm already doing!

There was a Victor Meldrew 'I don't believe it!!!' going off in my head at this point.

So I guess I'm in the right place just not financially yet!

Can't escape your karma/destiny or a computer programme!

Through to the Quarter Finals

Barcelona...pah!

Liverpool made it through to the quarter finals despite losing 1-0 last night.

I have a feeling Valencia will come out as the next opponents simply because it's always that way for a manager to face his previous team along the line...its a football karma of sorts.

'You look awful'

'You look awful.'

What kind of parent says this about their son's passport photograph?

My father's comment at seeing my new passport and then he cannot understand why I am insulted and want to punch him in the face.

And no he was not joking and he wonders why I think he's a f****** prick!

Colours or Colors

Which I found by way of Kimberlina/Gimchi.

Red.
1. Closest red thing to you? My mouse pad which is the 'This is Anfield' sign for Liverpool Football Club who wear red.
2. Last thing to make you angry? Not getting work.
3. Do you have a temper? Yes.
4. Are you a fan of romance? Huh?

Orange.
1. Closest orange thing to you? CD cover and eraser.
2. Do you like to burn things? Not on my hobbies list.
3. Dress up for Halloween? I live in England so dressing up in Halloween is rare.
4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person? I like to think so.
5. Do you have anything against redheaded people? No.
6. Are you usually full of energy? Not recently.

Yellow.
1. Closest yellow thing to you? Highlighter and post-its.
2. The happiest time[s] of your life? When I was in Los Angeles.
3. Favorite holiday? Hmmmm.
4. Are you a coward? Depends who you talk to.
5. Do you burn or tan? Tannage.

Green.
1. Closest green thing to you? My laptop sits on my green cutting mat.
2. Do you care about the enviroment? Not as much as I could/should.
3. Are you jealous of anyone right now? A little.
4. Are you a lucky person? Not recently.
5. Do you always want what you can't have? Occassionally.
6. Do you like being outdoors? Yes.
7. Are you Irish? Yep, just kidding.

Blue.
1. Closest blue thing to you? little blue box and paintbrushes
2. Are you good at calming people down? Never thought about it.
3. Do you like the sea? Yes very much.
4. What was the last thing that made you cry? Hmmm.
5. Are you a logical thinker? Yes and no.
6. Can you sleep easily? Sometimes.

Purple.
1. Closest purple thing to you? Postcard for art entry that I didn't get round to.
2. Like being treated to expensive things? yes but i have to treat myself.
3. Do you like mysterious things? Life is a mystery.
4. Favorite type of chocolate? Green and Blacks.
5. Ever met anyone in royalty? No but have my suspiscions about a couple of people.
6. Are you creative? I'm told that I am.

Pink.
1. Closest pink thing to you? Felt tip pen.
2. Do you like sweet things? In moderation.
4. Are you sensitive? Yes
5. Do you like music? I listen to it so I guess that means yes.

White.
1. Closest white thing to you? Paper, shirt and i-pod.
2. Would you say you're innocent? Absolutely.
3. Are you good at keeping the peace? Usually.
4. How do you imagine your wedding? Quiet.
5. Do you like to play in the snow? I did once.
6. Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentist? Not fear but a resignation of 'if I must'.

Black.
1. Closest black thing to you? Watch strap, T-shirt, jacket, Moleskine book.
2. Ever enjoy hurting people? No
3. Are you sophisticated or silly? Both.
4. Would you like to go to space? Yes.
5. Do you have a lot of secrets? Nothing major.
6. What is your favorite colour? To wear? To paint with?
7. Does the colour you wear affect your mood? It can do...

New Month

New month!

New start!

Bah!

;)